My journal.......

Jan 21 2013

I had this crazy vision of sorts with my father tonight. He and I had a puff of marijuana and sat together. I didn't want to get spiritual because I have a hard time listening to his perception and not letting him hear mine. That being said he suggested we meditate and focus on the Golden triangle. I have heard of focusing on the Golden triangle my entire life and so in the interest of being true to this process I put that Golden triangle in my head and open my mind to seeing what it could teach me. I really felt nothing. There was nothing  i was looking for that feeling and hoping it felt me and searching for meaning. It was an empty space that held no power and was void of meaning to me.

So then I chose to take this moment that was offered to me to see what I really felt. I searched for a feeling of spirituality and love. My father and I sat across from the prayer rug and I open my mind. 

What I felt were his arms wrapped around me as a father holds his daughter and comforts and loves her. I felt completely safe and loved. 

I knew this meditation could go on for a long time since there was nothing wrong with it, however I new that it was bedtime so I ended the silence

I felt so good about that feeling from him I received in our meditation, I felt it necessary to tell him that I actually had not been able to focus on the Golden triangle and instead felt him hugging me.

Now where this is where a gets  crazy. He told Me he also couldn't focus on the Golden triangle and what he felt was two large wings coming from him and wrapping around me and holding me.

Not only was I amazed at the fact that he saw the same thing, I was also gratified by knowing that no matter what anyone expects you to do, or tells you how to focus on some spirituality, it's the higher being that shows you what he wants. 

Today. 12/25/12

People always say that you want to marry someone like your father. I use to think that was a valid point however in recent life moments I realized that it's not my dad I'm looking to find in a partner, is the traits given to my brothers. "Life" he is always there for you and can complete there all along and I in turn find worth by his love. 

1/20/13

I dreamt I was at a Friends house and Chip called me. I spoke to him for a while and when we are finished I said I love you. He didn't say he love me back and I asked him why. He told me he didn't want to tell me he loved me because he planned on starting over with the two of us and falling in love with me all over.

6/28/13

No matter how I word this confession it's going to end up sounding horrible. I am a mother of three children and my confession is about my middle child. He is the kindest sweetest child in the world, however he is slower academically and mentally than my other children. I am a person who values intelligence above anything else in my life and that is how I foster and build my relationships with other people.  I have little to zero tolerance for persons that display my perceived notion of stupidity.  I think my boy has inadvertently  become one of these people and I see my patience with him wane. 

Are there any mothers out there who have kids who are on the slower side and do you know what I am feeling?

Oct 17 th, 2013

Thoughts of my friend Ease

Wow, so I don't even know where to begin. 

I can start by telling you how I thought our friendship was. When Chip died something new was born in me and much about was due to loss of personality and love and need for anyone's friendship.

For some reason I decided to believe in you and trust in you and create in you a surrogate for my love and trust. You in fact gave me absolutely nothing besides trust. That's all I had from you that's all I needed and you betrayed it. Did you ever think you were worthy of my friendship or that I owed it to you? You were more hassle then gift but in my absolute loyalty I never looked at it that way. I begged you not to let my friendship go. I hoped you would not to be selfish and yet still you are. You judge me and found me unworthy. I can never forget that. My bond with you is broken. You broke the last piece of my heart I had. 

And, just as I had imagined I am not sad. I knew that if I lost the last good part of me which was you I would end up being a broken empty person. That's how I feel. I have no sadness that you're gone. Just relief. I can now be absolutely alone and feel good about that. Do not try to come back to me. If you have any goodness left in you, do not try to fix what is now broken. I was always better off without you and now I can be. 

Oct 23 2013

In part to ease

You're going to say it's hard and I should appreciate what you going through and give you leeway for that. But it's hard for me everyday and I don't put that burden on you nor have I ever. Do you know that every day when I wake up I realize my kids don't have a dad. That every time I do something that should include family it's only me. I hurt daily but never have put that burden on anyone else. 

Dear God dear Lord I believe in you. There is no doubt in my mind that you are everything and everyone. I don't know what I am supposed to be. I don't know what my purpose is. I know you put me down here to do something and create something but I'm lost I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. I know I have to be a unselfish human being and to try to make other people's lives better. But I think I'm failing. Please give me a sign

Oct 31, 2013

Ease,

I miss you. I miss you like crazy everyday. I feel like there's something missing and it dawns on me that it is you. I want to constantly call you and ask your opinion and advice because you are my only one true friend whose opinion I value. But at the point where we are now I don't want to go back to how it's been. You quit believing in me, loving me, trusting me and having faith in me and I felt that and you left me. I don't know where to go from here and truthfully I don't even want to think about emotions where you're concerned. It's easier for me just to walk away. I'm now second guessing myself and I don't like it. 

You're telling me now that the reason you distanced yourself from me was because you didn't like how you verbally abuse me and you thought that I would understand. You never gave me a chance to understand because you never told me why. You just said you had to stay away from me. Had you said that you didn't like how you were treating me in this friendship I think I would've understood more and not felt so betrayed. But you just texted me a said you were out. And in the weeks and months prior you had already emotionally pulled yourself away from me and I fought to hold on to you. It pained me deeply that you saw a lack of commitment and support in my friendship, but still, we communicated. I don't know what to do right now and your the person I would normally go to for advice. Im broken and I don't know how to fix it.

Oct 

You made me feel worthless. Like all that I had to give wasn't enough. And I gave you my entire self. That in itself was a betrayal of our promised and guaranteed friendship. 

Nov 10, 2013

I always said there were never two people less suited to be best friends than you and I. And I always took pride in that. Now it seems clear to me that I was wrong. Although what I gained from you was all I needed, I don't think I ever was a friend that you needed in your heart. 

I can think back to several occasions where you took your anger out on me and then later called me to apologize and wondered how I could have been so forgiving. I told you I forgive you because I loved you for your entirety and you being angry didn't change that. Now I know I never deserved How you treated me and I'm never going to go back to that.  Until you cut me out I never realized how one-sided our relationship was because I refused to ever see any bad in you. 

Note to Clean

You know what's most annoying is that you have asked me to disregard a friend for you. And in the end that's what I will do. But what will happen to me is that I will have lost a good friend and you will still be the same person you are. I will have gained nothing by this. 

Dec 20 2013

There is nothing more important to me in the world than you. I will not make excuses for my behavior because that does not change the facts. All I can say is that I want to apologize and let you know that this will end. I need you and your respect and your love more than I need anything. Please forgive me. 

March 11th, 2014

Audrey,

You know nothing about me as a person and have never even tried to. I have always just been someone you were able to be disappointed in and want things from and expected things from. The only thing you have ever wanted from me was to be the person that gave you everything you wanted. 

Before you were born I was a human being and I am still that person. I have done things and maybe wished I had made different choices but for you to treat me the way you always have, and now decided to judge me is completely unfair. 

You know nothing of your father and who I was before I met him and who he made me. I don't want to ever destroy his memory in your life but if you judge me I will defend myself and give you truths you don't want to hear. 

I hope that when you are a mother and make choices in your own life you have a daughter that is kinder to you than you have been to me. 

If you ever want a real excuse from me ask me about what transpired when I took you out of school and your father and I with Henry took a motorhome across the states. 

You know nothing about the pain my life has been and things that have forced me to me emotionless. 

What you have done has taken any semblance of a life I have tried to create here in Bothell for you; and destroyed it.

What I did on my weekends that you don't approve of never had any bearing on the way I was as a mother every other day. Anytime I ever did anything you don't like, it was when I was never with you or any of my children. You have decided to make this all about me. But every time anything ever goes wrong in your life, it's always been about the other person. You have never done anything wrong.

 Any good I have ever done in my life you have single-handedly destroyed and diminished.

You have made everything I have ever valued about life for other people nothing because you have chosen to believe I am nothing and IOU everything because I have been nothing.  UR the failure. Fucking put yourself together and try to excel in your school. Get good grades, make yourself valuable, push yourself to be somebody better than the average person. I always thought you were great. I believed you were better, but you showed me nothing but weakness and failure.

You stupid entitled little child, you have no idea how much I went through to get you in my life. When your dad cared nothing for you and wouldn't condone my pregnancy with you he went after me to the point that when I unplugged his TV to make him speak to me he chased me up the stairs and then thru me down and kicked my stomach over and over. I fought for you to live. You barely made it. You weren't my first child, he forced me to abort our first son. I told him I could never let that go and forgive him, but I guess I did. 

Don't be weak.  Say you are an adult and you have made your own decisions and made my own choices   That were right for me at that time but now I see the effect they have on you. Nothing is more important to me then you and my relationship with you. I am going to completely stop doing any drugs and work on fixing our relationship. 

March 1st, 2014

Thank you so much Compassion for being someone I could call when I knew I was in deep pain but at the same time I didn't want to make too much out of it. I called you initially just because I needed someone to tell me to deal with my pain and it would all be ok. But you, as tired as you were from working a full day and had already gone to bed; you heard my pain and got up and insisted to come check on me.  

 Just from my voice you were able to realize I needed you. You really did save me and I guess honestly I wouldn't expect any less because you are the friend who cares enough to really listen and that does that.

When you realized I had to go to the hospital you called Bernie and asked her to watch Charlie and I don't know what transpired however she said no, I was barely able to call Perfection and ask her to watch Charlie and without hearing the pain in my voice or even asking me why I needed help she said no. Thanks sisters, I'll remember. Bernie however did make it up and made sure she came and picked me up for the ride home. But the funny thing is I didn't even for a minute consider calling Meleea who I consider to be one of my best friends. That makes me ask myself "is she really a friend"? I know I am always there for her, but in my time of need I didn't actually think she would be there for me. And the sad part is, it's not that I thought she wouldn't even be there for me, it's that she didn't even cross my mind as being somebody who would unselfishly be there for me. I didn't even consider her. What does that say?

And Meleea, I am so mad at you. You did the same thing to me that Ease did. You broke my trust. You are wishy-washy bipolar manic and often crazy but I have always loved you, trusted you and been loyal to you. I don't know if it's even necessary to say it again but you have done nothing for me besides loved me. And that was enough. The reason I loved you and trusted you so much is because I knew our friendship love and trust was beyond question. When I discovered that you had made choices that I never thought you would do and had hidden them with full knowledge that what you were doing was wrong it really hurt. You know what you did was wrong and when I tried to talk to you about it instead of hearing what I had to say and excepting what you had done you got defensive had made a huge scene and walked away. Honestly, at this moment right now you could fuck off. Go ahead and live your life without being honest and Wholesome to anyone. You been doing it this far, let's see how it works for you. You were lucky to have a friend like me, but instead you made me look the fool. Maybe you're better off. 

Meleea, you're the person that would never do anything good for somebody that was out of your way. Your first question would be "what have they done for me"? And "why do they deserve me to do anything for them"?. You have never made a choice to just be unselfish and take care of someone. It's all about if they deserve it based on what has been done for you. What a sad life. 

Why don't you try humility, generosity and giving. All without personal justification. 

Compassion, I know I have already thanked you but after writing that last post it just made me realize how very fortunate I am to have you as my friend and sister. How disappointing it is to know that both my sisters; Bernie and Perfection said no, Perfection; without even asking why I needed help. You heard the pain in my voice, recognized that and insisted on coming over to check on me. Perfection just straight out said no. The fact that I didn't even think about Meleea as an option to help me now speaks volumes about my perceived character of her. But all of this has made me very very grateful for you. Thank you. I love you. 

Nothing you did tonight was rude and insensitive selfish or cruel. You do still have a little moments of questionable actions and you and I had hoped you would take Charlie, just because you said you would and he wanted to and I want you to be true to your word. However the all and all of that, I think it would be really really easy to walk away from these so-called girlfriends we have in our life. Much of what has happened has made me evaluate my friendships and although there are a few things we could work on with your outgoing and opinionated personality, your sister and sister friendship personality is everything anyone could ever want. I would love to ignore everyone and just talk to you.

Meleea. 

Maybe you have decided after so many years you could take me for granted and that you have a right to walk away when I try to have a discussion with you; regardless if is something you're not happy about. I have straight up been a best friend and loved you and never judged you for as long as I have known you. But guess what? I am not okay with this. If you want my friendship you are going to actually have to work for it, instead of having it always be a given. If I'm  worth being your friend then for the very first time you're going to actually have to fight for my friendship. If you don't, I'll know sadly and with disappointment that it was never really important to you to be my friend and I really was the only one who tried. If your never really tried and gave, was it ever really a friendship?

03/16/14

All free people have the right to use the body they have been given as they see fit. Is it fair that miners risk their lives everyday they work? Is it fair police officers lay their lives on the line All free people have the right to use the body they have been given as they see fit. 

All free people have the right to use the body they have been giver as they see fit. Is it fair that miners fist their lives everyday they work? Is it fair police officers lay their lives on the line for us everyday........literally.... Any day they patrol they are solemnly risking their life to serve and protect every cog in the wheel. Perfection, harmony and happiness only happens when you are ready. 

04/20/2014

I am not sure I'm even looking to find someone to have a relationship with and fall in love with. However the worst part about this is that I know that's not even my choice. I know what it is to be thin and beautiful and I know what it is to be overweight and intelligent, however I have always been intelligent and beautiful but not necessarily thin. The sad thing is that I will miss out on people and people will miss out on me because of our physical disabilities. 

May 20, 2014

How do I fucking start caring and giving a shit about anything? I don't think I really do any more than what I am suppose to do as the rules apply.  

I am breaking my kids. They shouldn't have to grow up with a parent like me. What role model am I? Who will they be due to my lack of love? I know I'm fucked but I care enough to want more for my kids. I don't know if I can even be fix now. I think it's too late. And that makes me sad. I wish I was "human". Is anyone as alone as me? 

June 10, 2014

I just want so badly to be happy. I really though that was never in the cards for me and I had completely given up on the notion of ever really caring about someone again. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was a jaded person who could never trust or love and the worst.... Be loved. So out of the blue something happens and it feels so good my whole frame of mind in an instance changed. I decided to throw caution to the wind and let all my reservations go and try to accept whatever was happening and give "this" a chance. I haven't been happy since Chip died and I know I saw something in me that was new and good and happy. I glowed. I smiled. I wanted to love the world. I wanted to be the best part of me and I wanted to grow and change and be a better person. I haven't felt any hope of life for years. And I saw it and everyone saw it in me. For the first time In forever I felt I didn't need my medication. I felt like I didn't need to drink. I felt like this was something I wanted to experience being me and didn't want to have any external meds or drink effect how I created my relationship. This was the healthiest me I have been in 7 years. My meds make me not care and I didn't want to dilute myself for the first time. But. I think I fucked up. I should never have tried to reach for more. It's not meant for me. First Audrey did everything to sabotage it then he did and even though he tried to go back on how he acted, I think I can't forget. I did everything to look past his flaws and see only the good but he disappointed me and now I'm not sure I can see past his flaws. God how I just wanted to be happy for once. And for a moment I was.  He may have not been the one for me but he was the first person who made me believe again and made me feel happy and trust and hope. I don't give this man credit as though I  had deep feelings, only that he made me see that I could still have feelings. 

Audrey, when have you ever thought that I was a real person with real feelings. Have you ever cared? Hasn't it always been only about you? What you get, what you want? 

July 2, 2014

Your right Shandi. You shouldn't trust anyone. I don't trust you or any of my so called friends. You all are there for only yourself. I need to be as well. It made me see that I can't trust anyone to love me and this false hope in jason is a joke.  I'm kidding myself into thinking this could be real and I won't be fucked again. I can't trust myself to give my heart over again only to be broken. I need to shut it down. I already feel myself pulling away and losing that faith and trust that comes with a true smile. Just a dumb ass  gullible smile. I've think that's gone. I have woken up to reality. It's all fake and I just played myself into thinking I could be more. What a joke.  

And BTW...... I'm Sick of fighting for your friendship. I don't need you. I don't get anything from you. I can just walk away. I need nobody and nothing. 

Jason this is probably using me anyways, why would he ever like some fat ugly person like me. Not that he has much for himself but I give him more than he has. I feel worthless and undeserving and hateful to all of you. 

This whole relationship is a farce and I am sick of kidding myself. I'm not going to play this game anymore and I just don't fucking care

Ease,

You're so fucking selfish. You get on my case constantly about not being there for you even though I have fucking been there for you nonstop. I had been there for you for every fight for every issue when you moved out when you moved in when you did everything you did. I finished your fucking apartment I loved you I've always been there. What the fuck have you ever been there for me.

Oct 10th, 2014

Should a relationship be where you read each others minds and know how deeply you can see each others souls? Should it be something so powerful your words can't express? Or should it just be comfortable and easy. With laughter and friendship? What is enough and what is not enough? Are we settling or are we reaching for fantasy?

Oct 15, 2014

Jason, I know tonight that you were only venting and it wasn't really complaining. I just know that you vent a lot but don't make the changes necessary to appease your frustrations. Not in all cases but often where it pertains to you and how you feel about your life and future. I just want to see you be a strong decisive man who takes accountability and action.  I think those steps alone would make you feel like the successful man you know yourself to be. I want to see you believe in yourself so that others will too. Confidence is the thing that makes a man sexy and alluring. 

And I know you have said you love me to where I believe you really meant it but it didn't come with the feelings I thought it would. I don't feel that love you say you have. I feel a close like but not love. Or at least what I think love should feel like. We don't stare into each others eyes and share our emotions with deep love and mutual respect. We don't talk about us and how we feel about each other. I don't know what love is, I don't think I've ever been truly loved. I think I wanted you to fall in love with me so I could know for once how it felt to be totally and wholly loved. But this doesn't feel like it. Is is suppose to get deeper or better?

When we have long talks it's always just you talking and if I ask questions they mostly get talked over and ignored. I ask so that I can feel involved like it is an actual back and forth dialogue. I think if you really loved me you would want to hear me and converse with me. Let alone actually ask me about myself or show interest in what makes me tick or who I am. You don't seem to really care about the depths of me. I may not have been truly loved as a wife or girlfriend but I was as a friend with Joe and he showed more friendship and interest in who I am then you ever have. 

But on the other hand, this is better than being alone. So, should I just shut up, be happy with what it is, have patience and see if the best is still to come?

Oct 16th

I tried to talk to you tonight and get you to care and you weren't feeling good at the moment so you said give you a minute and you would respond. But then you never did. You just blew over it and ignored my comment and question. How do you think that reads to me? How could that possibly be positive? It means you don't want to address my thoughts or feelings. I'm suppose to love you and you say you love me but this isn't right. I can't trust you with my feelings because you don't even what to know them or hear them!! How can love and trust be built when you show no regard for my emotions? 

I really hope this doesn't come off as being needy because if that what you take from me wanting to have a strong deep and emotionally true relationship then we have nothing and don't see eye to eye and doubtfully ever will. I just can't settle for less again. I want it all. 

But then there is "me". 

Put on a happy face, nothing bothers me. I'm fine. Let me just make you happy. As long as you are, I am. I'm stupid for even trying to share. That's just not reality or in my cards. Strong me, always here for everyone and I need nothing. Supportive and caring. It's all about you. Fine. Just be "happy". How can I be of service to you? (I am so sick of having to be that person alone) I told you when we first started dating that I wanted; ney, needed someone I could be weak to. Someone who would and could take care of me and let me fall and fail and cry. You said you would be that man. Are you that man? Can you take care of me? 

I think we need to talk to each other and get deeper with each other in order to make our relationship grow. We need to learn to really trust each other with our entire hearts minds and souls if we really want this to work and be real. We need to spend time in just us and who we are and what we want. 

Oct 23, 2014

My good friend died this week and her husband called me with his great loss and grief. 

I just wanted to fall apart and do that on my own. I didn't want anyone to witness that. And you came over and it stopped me from being able to completely fall apart and you were able to witness me being weak. I am not happy with that. 

One part of me thinks I don't deserve to be loved, the other part thinks you don't even know me enough to love me, and then there's another part of me that thinks you don't deserve my love, and if you did know me you really wouldn't love me, and then there's a whole other side that I haven't even figured out. 

I just need to go back to being alone. That way when I am sad and depressed I know that I am the one responsible for it and my misery isn't tied into someone else how they make me feel. If I'm alone then it's just how I make myself feel and I am solely responsible.

Oct 29, 2014

You think I'm exaggerating and being corny when I say over endearing terms of emotions, yet in fact I'm being truthful. I actually do find such joy and love in the small things that you mean to me and it makes me feel happy to share that with you. But if you can't read my sincerity as it is, I know that I will end up shutting myself off. But the worst part for you is that because I don't want to be alone and I do still get something from you; I won't let you go. Instead I will just continue with those comments and yet this time they won't mean anything and it will only be to keep you around until I find somebody who can fill your void. You're right, I don't love you in the same way I act to, but I hope that in expressing that emotion I will grow into that love. But if you can't reciprocate and make me feel that you deem me as worthy as I am making you feel I'm not stupid enough to allow my emotions to grow. But it could be too late. By the time you realize I am worthy of your love there's a good chance that I will have already cut myself off because I'm not emotionally strong enough to stick around without having felt that from you when I opened my heart. 

Nov 12th, 2014

Jason, I know that since I've met you my life has improved. I'm happier, I'm more confidant, I'm neater, I've Made my body healthier, I get along better with Audrey, I do more things involving my immediate family, I'm motivated to do more, I see joy in life, I laugh, I involve myself in life, I see purpose and a future with me happy but with all these things they are met by just having a person in my life. But are you replaceable? Is it you or just the figure of "you"? Could it be any man who came in and cared for me? Or is it you, the one and only you? I worry I just needed this void filled and allowed you to do the filling for my benefit and granted you did, but if I had allowed someone different could they have done the same? Are we close on an deep emotional level? I don't think so.... But you have done what needed to be done. But are you "the one"? I don't think so either. You served a purpose. You made me believe again and want to see and feel joy in life. But was it really "you" who did this, or where you merely the tool I needed to use to dig me out. More and more I think the latter. I have been trying to feel for you and believe that what I feel is strong real deep and can grow, but I think I know I'm fooling myself to serve my purpose. 

Nov 19th 2014

This is a note to my best friend, you are in a position where if you do not start hating somebody i.e. your husband then you're going to get pulled back and forth and have no power. I am in a position that if I start caring about somebody eventually I too will get royally fucked so much that to my chagrin and dismay I think maybe the only opportunity for us is to creatively fuck ourselves by moving in together. It will be be miserable and horrible but we won't be able to get out of that situation and be back with the men that are in our lives. We need to fuck ourselves before they can fuck us.

He makes me really happy so I want to end it before he can hurt me. Also, when I lose him I'll really need a Partner. Don't you think we could be that for eachother?

Nov 26, 

So this is the weird thing.....you said you loved me and I asked "do you really love me?" And your odd reply was , and this is not verbatim, I love what I am for you or can be for you...... Wow!!! Really!?!?! So, you don't have really solid feelings until you see the power and strength you are when you give me support and love? I love that that could be a part of our love but not that that is the main factor of us. That means you are looking for me to complete you and in truth your love for me exist only based on what and how giving me your "gift" of love makes me react to our relationship. 

Jan19th EP MESSAGE 

I am not yet a step mother but my significant other had two children, one who is best friends with my 16 yo daughter and another who is 13 and a boy. He can be kind to my 11 and 4 year old but when he lives with his dad full time his influence was more often than not thought of as a bully. I know he is a good kid in his heart and I am not a person who would generally even reach out or care but this kid is good. That being said, he has stolen from me several times and been cruel to my two younger sons. His father wants to move in with me but I don't think I could handles him even if it were every other weekend. His dad looked thru his bag when we got home the weekend and he had my iphone charger and cord packed away as well as a bag of illegal fire works. What do I do!?? I love his daughter as if she were my own and treat her that way, but although I know he has a beautiful heart I am not ready for the damage he could cause me or my children...... But I love his father too. Any advise?

May 3rd, 2015

Jason, 

I am madly crazy wildly in love with you. There is not for one second I thought five months ago I would be where I am today and my feelings for you. I can't believe that when I met you I knew with every certainty that you and I were going to be a temporary relationship however I had such fun with you I wasn't going to ruin it by calling it quits just because I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I thank God and my luck that for some reason I chose to follow my intuition and and stayed with you and threw caution to the wind. I never knew what love was until I met you I never knew who I was until you loved me. 

Aug 15,2015

Wow you really hurt me. No matter what argument we got into I never thought it wasn't something we wouldn't  work out. But you choose to ignore me for a whole day. I have always said that we kiss for every time we say goodbye and every time we see each other again. We did neither of those. You spoke down to me and were very rude and then said it to my kids and me. Then you quit talking for the next 9 hours. Really, 9 hours.... we said hardly a word. I just feel like I'm in a place in my life that we work because we give each other respect and love. If you can't give me that I don't know how this can work. I'm not looking for money or for your intellectual conversation all I need from you is trust of love. And you broke that. I have looked past all your detriments as they apply to me and choose to see just the parts of you that make "me" a better us.  That is not what you gave me. 

Dec. 10, 2015

Well, I guess the honeymoon is over....... I mean really over..  I was able to ignore the lack of intelligence and education because of his wildly beautiful open love.. I mean who could ignore that? It's what every woman in the world has ever wanted!! He gave me undivided attention, absolute love, total respect and made me feel like I was the most beautiful and important person in the world. Then, he quit..... I gave him all of me, never realizing that that and whatever other fucked up reasons that make no sense brought out in him a zero. A no one.  A typical man. Who never sees a woman. Who quits giving attention affection and something not in my "required" 4 "A's"...........appreciation. No gratitude. No thanks no love. He stopped making us important. He stopped making me feel loved. He stopped making me feel valuable. Then after all that he tried to take away my pride. He told me what I did have and brought to our table was unearned and undeserving. He diminished me. What I have is blood money.  Not for a second would I not trade for a father to my children and a son to his father and a brother to his sisters and a friend and love to me. Why did he have to become that man? I can't accept it. I don't need to. 

Thoughts to my dear friend about loss

My dearest friend Jason lost his brother nearly one year after he lost his sister. This is the fourth sibling he has lost.

Jason,
I just wanted to respond to you about something you said today. You said you felt like this was going to hurt a lot more, implying that you didn't allow yourself to grieve as much when your sister passed. I think that in making a conscious choice to allow yourself to grieve, that is ultimately the healthiest way to find long term healing. I can tell you one of my biggest regrets is how I put distance between me and my grief when I lost Chip. To this day it pains me that I didn't allow myself to feel his loss. I feels like I did an injustice to him and my children and in the end, to myself.  I think by allowing yourself to be enveloped by his loss and accept your pain, that when time moves on, you see how you have only grown stronger by learning to live with that grief and accept it. I love you Jason.

 So as you can see I haven't posted in quite some time. I actually got tired of myself repeating the same old things I know I'm hurt and now I'm angry and I'm sad And I know I've been lost. All my previous post have been about me. But I have retire from this constant deluge of my grief, anger and loss. However the  therapeutic use of writing has not waned. I may have stop myself fro grief but when I finally opened my eyes I saw that same grief all around me. I would like to share some of the words I put to paper for them. Please keep in mind thes storie are only for us to share and can dot be used outside of this forum
This first one is for my friend and her "love me don't love me" separated husband.   Song /"Wake Up"

Lying In bed

Got these thoughts in my head

Thinking about the last words that were said

Like a movie scrip better written than read. 

Your got me turned around and all fucked in my head

You think your such a man 

And I'm under your spell

Oh,  what am I without you but an empty shell?

You're so damn stupid

You think your running this game

Think Your the man and it's your woman you tame..... 

So..... Wake up!!

You try to break up 

And then you try and make up

Selling me all your sweet lies 

Expecting me to empathize

But the one thing that I know is true 

Is that I'm not that stupid and I'm better than you!

You think you've fooled me with your little puppet show

Sadly, your the joker in a solo role 

Spinning all your promises into a golden web of lies

Please you little man, I won't be victimized!

 

Someday your going to wake up 

Your conceit will have a shake up 

And after begging me to make up

It's your your offer I won't take up 

You lasted two damn days before you fell to your knees, and cried to me saying ...

please baby baby please!!! 

If respect is what I'm due, 

than know that I'll fucking take it from you. 

Wake up! Shake  up! Try to make up! 

Silly little fool, we're all laughing at you. 

So wake up!! Cuz one thing that we know is true 

is I'm not that stupid and I'm better that you!

....

I've met somebody new and it feels amazing. It almost feels like I've fallen in love for the very first time. But, and I hate that I have that but, however it is so scary to give my heart away. And to truly trust in someone. I have this innate feeling that I am going to be the one giving my all and I will end up being hurt again. Because I deserve it? Because life sucks? Or because nothing good can happen?

Wow!! OMG!! I think I have fallen in love?! This feels like the first time. I didn't think it was ever possible to feel this way. And I feel more than I ever have in a selfish, want everything way!!!

Someone posed the question "How did our upbringing affect our parenting with respect to how our parents raised us?"

The following is my letter to my Mother and Father.

I couldn't respond because I knew my truthful reply would sound so cold. Ease did try in a small manner but omitted the whole truth. 

You both did on occasion show love and responsibility as parents but that was few and far between. It was a privilege to be with you and a mark of pride to be acknowledge by either of you. I reveled in it, I basked in your love and attention and always thought that was fine by me. But in that question I know it was not. It was not a privilege to be loved.... It was my right.  I never had any certainty in my life. I see now how much that has had a dysfunctional   part of shaping me. Even thought i always wanted your love, i know i was never a priority and i have treated my kids the same way. I see me keeping my kids at bay and not making them my priority because even as of now you preach family above all.... And face it, that means Love and Honesty... So I always put you before everyone, including my kids!!! I don't want to be like you both were, and I'm scared to admit that I may already be. I know that now I am your number one, but I don't want to wait that long to be a parent. You always said that you succeeded if your kids were your best friends, but I want to try to fix what I have become and not wait till I am your age for it to work out. 

I know it hurts you to hear this and I do love you above all, but I think I need time to decide if I can accept who you are or if I'm a better person with out you. I know you won't change...so this choice is mine alone. 

I want to be happy in life again

I want to know how to be happy I can. It seems like I cannot find passion in anything. I love my children and I want to do what makes them happy, however I know I'm not being the best mother I can. I know that if Chip was still in my life things would be different. We would do things together as a family and I would be obligated to do things as a family however the obligation would fulfill me. As it is now, I don't feel any happiness in myself and that reflects on how I treat my kids and how I am as a mother. How did I lose my passion for life, how did I lose my zeal, and how did I lose my desire to always be better? How can one make themselves a better person when in fact they have no drive to do that beyond the desire to be that? I have the fear that my kids are going to wake up one day when they're adults and say, you know my mother wasn't really that good. That is the most horrible things I can ever imagine leaving my children with. They deserve so much more. But I know that if I am to be a better mother that I need to be happy, and I know that is a certanity.  So how can I be happy so that I can be a better mot

Wow. I am so frustrated right now. I had someone close to me tell me that my son almost died the same night my husband died because of the stress. When my husband Thought he was going to die he asked me to take my kids out of school and we bought a motor home and left this town and went to all of h favorite places and live life to the fullest. My son never felt stress, he only felt the love that we gave him. We decided we would not live life like but he would die but we would live life like he would live. We gave every moment we have left to happiness believe and hope. When you tell me my son almost died because of stress it as an insult to me and everything my husband and I created and his past days. It was his life's gift to our children to end his life with love and happiness and no stress, so to imply that my son at three years old almost died because he felt stressed is an insult to everything my husband created and gave to our children.

I saw a picture of you today that you would never want to see or have anyone see, and all  could say was...."I'm sorry'', I'm so sorry for what you had to become in your sickness. It is something you would never want anyone to see, but your children saw you that way and didn't even realize the depravity of the moment. You are and were the most intelligent, powerful and strong man I have ever known, but these photos show a different moment. I'm sorry... I'm sorry ... I love you, I miss you.

So, I never discuss this, but he come to me all the time in my dreams.

I miss you

I know I miss you, but remembering each day is unproductive and serves no purpose. I say this to you because I know that you would admonish me if I let myself feel otherwise.
But I miss you Chip. The more that time goes by the easier it is to forget your influence in my life. Sometimes I forget your gone, but... sometimes I forget you were here.
I'm so sorry to say that, but you left just before it got hard... and you left us without you. How am I suppose to raise our kids without your support and love?
I miss you.
Imiss you.
Thank you for being so strong when you knew you had to leave us behind. When you had to count on me to be more than I thought I could; when you had to be strong in order to make me feel strong. Thank you for the gift of confidence you left in me.... but I'm scared.

OMG!!

Wow... I can't wait to to leave all these people who are force fed friendship commitments to me based on our genetics. I can't relate; I don't understand, and I can't forgive the selfish and narcissist emotions that I receive from my daily interactions with them. I have realized that in situation where I share my true hurt or disappointment I just can't win, so best bite your tongue , hide your true emotions and put on a happy face. No one wants to see your side or feel your anguish so instead I up being put in a defensive position for attempting to validate my feelings.... and I always seem to lose.

I'm tired of my pity party, but I can't seem to want everyone else to be. How narcissistic I've become. My sister sheds a tear almost every day for the loss of her husband and I have no empathy to give her. I know she needs it from me, but accepts me as I am so she won't judge me for my lack of emotions. I'm not sure as to why I can't empathise with her; whether it's because I've been through it too so don't ask me to feel more for her pain than I do mine or because I just have lost my ability to be empathetic. Empathy.... this seems to be a reoccurring word. Have I lost mine?
I don't cry daily about my loss and expect others to care, so why should I care? This is also because I know they can't care about my loss on a daily basis as I do..... and why should they? You all have your issues and I don't want to be involved in them.

I hate you!! I hate you all... you could care less... no one cares. I am alone. This has been proven over and over to me. You wonder why we all are so screwed?... It's because we are alone. I am alone. I AM ALONE!!!!! F you all!! I am alone.

The pain and loss of losing your spouse is the worst thing I have ever felt. It has irrevocable damaged me and changed me.
This is a pain I would never wish on another soul.But in great irony and misfortune, it happened again. This time to my sister. She is my best friend and my twin... (Not in fact; however we have always been told we are identical and have always felt this way).
Her husband passed last week. She too has two small children, the same age as mine. Blake was not just a Brother in Law, but a Brother in every sense of the word beyond blood. I have known him for 20 years... he grew up with us, and he and my sister fell in love in their youth.
I wanted to share the feelings I wrote down when I heard of his death.

-I sat down the other night and I tried to think of the most amazing time Blake and I had ever had together. I couldn't think of one that surpassed any other. When I think of my times with him; I see most of our recent moments.
And in each of those I find it difficult to state the actual commentary said, because with Blake it somehow seemed to be the emotions you shared that you walked away with, not necessarily the words that were said.
We came up with many Blakeism based on his reactions and resolutions to situations. The one I used the most; and the one I found most irritating was his ability to look in your eyes and admit his errors and say he planned to do better and to be better. You always believed him.
How amazing would it be if what we learned from Blake was his ability to listen to someone lecture us with their opinions, and see only love thru the words… and see hope in their efforts, and hope to grow from their advice.
I have recently walked a road I never wanted to take, and in so have learned a lot about defeat, shame, despair, weakness, solitude, but most importantly and lastly; I saw my value. On the day of his passing it pained me to hold in the utter grief and sadness I felt, especially when I joined our Family.
I wanted to wail out loud and fall to my knees in sorrow. It made me long for the times we have read about when you covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and mourned in the street. He deserved all the sincerity of the anguish I felt.There was a moment that day that I sat down and just cried and vented. I sat with a friend and shared my loss and anger. I wailed and swore; I found my rage and my sadness…..; still nothing was enough to relieve the feeling that encompassed me. But in the following conversation I was able to have a Moment of peace and clarity. It was When I screamed out "I can't believe he did this!!!". My friend said to me "I know, I always thought he would come out of it for his kids". It was in this moment I felt like I understood Blake the most.However our ailments may differ, I know how it feels to be in his shoes. I can see the steps it takes to get to where you are; albeit, many stronger can choose differently. You wake up each day and see what you have in store for you. You have learned long ago not to fool yourself, so you say… OK, today I know I cannot make a change, and today I know nothing will be different, but God, Dear God, please give me something tomorrow; some strength, some difference, some person, some divine power that makes tomorrow different. When my friend said he thought the kids would be enough, I knew that Blake did too… just not today; but he always knew he had tomorrow to make it better… he always had tomorrow. He never gave up on his tomorrow. But his tomorrow never came.I love you so much Blake. You were my little brother, and my friend. My Blakob, and My Jacob.

Anger and Pain seems to grow....??

I was once the strength of my Family. I saved everyone; I was the one who made it all happen. When you needed help you came to me.
I thought I was so above the pitiful excuses and failings that I saw being accepted by those who were weak of mind.
With my entry and in the interest of full disclosure I feel I must make known my unusual upbringing. I was raised in a commune. That is a story for a whole different day. Nevertheless this is part of what made me; and perhaps serves as some part of an explanation for the depths of my dismay.
Although I express my pain, it is my end desire to pay it forward, and give something back to humanity.
I was able to vent my anguish in a simple form… a journal; or better known as a “Blog”. I hope to submit it to reader in the wish that it can help someone else.
I was surprised when I looked thru my journal and found no specific mention of the day my husband died. This day for me was the day that God told me he may make your life perfect in the beginning, but there is always a price to pay.
This I never knew, but I must have agreed to this fate when I became me. I was never a person who saw religion as a blanket rule. I was taught to believe in one man and told to accept what was told to me; but it never seemed to sit well and I never accepted the rules that were given to me as far as religion. I know that there is a higher power… I know there is God, but in all this, I also know that no man can dictate the rules of God to me. I do not believe that some “preordained” man, who is there only because this is the particular course he chose to “educated” himself with, can infringe on me his perception of a testament that cannot be spoken to man alone. I know that our God is a kind and righteous God… he does not want his children to live in despair. You are not born of sin, and if you are pure of heart you will not die in sin.
How audacious you must be to think that you alone are the one with whom God communicates and that your earthly schooling gives you the right to speak on his behalf!! You haughty man!! The lord our God is all of us and we are all him. When he chooses to speak to me, it has come from him to me; not from “Oh you of vanity and pride”. I know where I will stand in the day of my reckoning.. I hope you do. I will have no shame or guilt and I will humble myself and accept all that I have done. I will walk into his arms as pure as the day I came into this life.
Ok… so I see that I must have some issues with my religion based on the last paragraph. This is the power that writing gives you; the ability to let it all out without actual sound and physicality. With this discloser, I once again continue with my account of my life.
So there I am… My beautiful strong man is barely alive. He asked me to stay with him, but in my disassociation, I ignored his plea, and chose to stay up stairs in my bed…… leaving him completely alone in the night for his last days. Was it because I was really that cold and heartless, or dear God, please allow me to believe it was because I wouldn’t see the reality of the situation; and I thought it was just one more exaggeration that in the days to follow would soon pass? I left him alone when he begged me to stay.
How can I ever forgive myself. How sick and selfish I was.
When he looked at me with helplessness; asking only for my love… was I able to give it to him? Or did I allow all the years of indifference to interfere with my love. In the previous days I chastised him when he spilled his medicine; telling him I was tired of picking up after him due to his laziness. “Be a man”… this is what I implied. He looked at me and told me how sorry he was. In that moment I saw his suffering. He had never spoken to me with this emotion or looked at me with such need and trust. I did instantly feel remorse; but was it enough? Did I show that love to him? Did he know? After years of being conditioned to his lack of emotion, I passed this back in return. But I know that that was never me… and this was when he needed the girl he married… the one who cared for everyone, and would never let someone who was hurt go without help. Did I give that to him? Was I so jaded that I made his pain insignificant? Did I offer enough support, love and emotions?
On the day before he passed His best friend took my kids up for ice cream, just to give them a moment of normalcy. We had many kids passing thru the house in these last days and sugar snacks were prevalent. When my attention was brought to the red color in the toilet bowl, I dismissed it as one of the many popsicles that had been doled out as had falling in. I knew my son had just been in there; however the explanation was perfectly sensible and I accepted the rational reasoning. In retrospect I remember that just before leaving I saw him running into the same bathroom again… then they were off to Baskin Robbins.
The phone rang shortly after. I didn’t answer. The next time my best friend picked up and she looked confused. “Henry is bleeding from behind and we are scared” was my interpretation of the call. I immediately thought back to the red water in the toilet and knew he had gone again. In hopeful denial of my serious concern I ran to the restroom. The water was red… blood drops on the seat. Oh God. In that moment I felt like I was pushed into a nightmare and this was a scene from some horrid dream. I remember falling to the floor…This can’t be real! There is no God that would simultaneously take my Husband and son from me. This shouldn’t be real. But it was.
For just one moment I used my sanity and told them to call 911. The rest is almost a blur. We ran to the car and started up to Henry. In these fleeting moments I remember knowing that my life was no longer in the whimsical bubble I insisted in living. I was going to learn that lesson in the most brutal way. I had seen movies where people; when faced with the most improbable dilemmas pray. I never knew how real that prayer was. Without thought I could repeat nothing but his name “Jesus Christ” Over and over and over. When all was lost; how powerful a tribute it is that the only words that give you solace and comfort are when invoke his name. I learned a lot about my faith from that moment.

I'm so different.

When I write I tend to just spill it all out and release my emotions on paper. In the morning I can regret being so frank. Sometimes I resist writing down my true feelings and adding them to this site because I'm sure they will be viewed as skewed and abnormal. I'm not sure anyone is as messed up as I am.
My Mother allowed for one year to get back to normal after she couldn't cope with my new personality... but that year has come and gone and I an still not what they expect me to be. I don't know how to break free from the reclusive emotions I feel or the crushing need to be alone.

My relationship with men

It's been almost 20 months now. May 12, 2007. At first I felt nothing in regards to attraction to other men; and then one day I did. I'm not sure how it happened. But when it did it wasn't because I felt I was surrounded by my peers and looking for depth, it was because I saw how I had an advantage over men who were attracted to me, allowing me the luxury of indifference. I didn't mean for this to awaken a change in me, but I realized that for the first time in my life I didn't care what anyone thought of me, and that I could be in control void of concern or perceptions. But what I felt has not been healthy.
I refuse to care for any man or treat them with respect. I'm losing it! I select situations where I won't care and refuse to participate in any relationship where I am required to give my heart. In selective insights I can see how I am looking to punish all men for my devastation. I need them to know that I will never love again; and to know they will never measure up to my husband. I am not shy about stating my expectations.
I begin each relationship with unnecessary statements that protect me and prepare me for the emptiness that follows that I expect and seek. I want everyone to know that I am empty and care for nothing. I refuse to allow anyone to replace him. Do I need to? Can I just be alone? Where do I go from here? Is this going to come back and hurt me when I wake up… or is this just who I am?

He should have been here!

It was an ideal vacation; one we had not taken since his passing. Me, my kids, Adam and his Love. Finally Adam had found himself committed to love. We always knew it would happen; just never sure when. I doubted and scrutinized her; I admit. He is too pure and beautiful of a soul for me to let him go without the knowledge that his partner will absolutely be his heart and future. After all my questions and perspectives I too realized she was the one for him....and with irrefutable emotions you could see that she did too. She is not the type to fall for this man; or him for her, unless there was purity in their love. No one could know how beautiful he is without receiving his love in turn. Unwittingly and without expectation; she saw his heart and could see no other life beyond theirs.
I saw the way she fell for him; from first being a woman with places to go and finding the means to get there; to unexpectedly being a woman who realized she had all she could ever want…… and had not even realized it!!!!..... She could lose what we little girls had always dreamt of if she didn't open her eyes and realize perfection had been staring her in the face all along.
In my most pure of hearts, I cherish the love they have and bless them with all the joy that I see is in their future.

So there we are in Mexico ready for the wedding.
I have learned to distance myself from any sort of painful emotion, and just live in the moment. This is not hard... I was given a gift from God when He passed; the knowledge that this was just a break and not an end. He and I would see one another again; with kids and family in tow; and it would be as it always was; it would be everything and more in that time. This sustains me; this allows me to live and love and continue each day.
I had forewarned Adam that I was not emotional; so he should not be disheartened when he noticed I did not cry (as we assumed all his other best girlfriends would). I knew this to be a fact; but wanted him to know I loved him all the same.
Then they came down the aisle...... his Father holding the arms of both Adam's Mother and Yana's Mother. These two women were so awe inspiring and so kind and so loving and so pure; and they were giving away their children.... It was momentous. I saw such beauty; so much more than I knew I could see. This started my emotional spiral.
They had both opened their hearts up to me with such kindness and love and each had included me in their families as if I were one of their own. It was as though the marriage of Adam and Yana had included me and joined me into both families. I know that I could rely on either side to be there for me should I ever need help and this assistance would come with no strings attached.
So there I am watching my children precede Yana down the aisle… all the spectators were cheering and admiring the striking event in its entire splendor.
I had heard thru friendly comments that although Adam would have loved to place Henry in the Best Man’s position; he thought it would be too emotional for him to see Henry standing in the shoes of his Father.
This emotional location did not occur to me.
I love Adam no matter what choices he makes and I have absolute security his every decision. So I was not prepared for the effect his last minute alteration would have. Somehow; though I'm not sure it didn't happen on coincidence; Henry stood by Adam in the space of the Best Man.
And I saw him.
For the first time since he left me I saw him as sure as if he were there. I saw his physical being standing next to Adam. I felt his joy and glee and humility and pride. I have never felt his utter certainty like I did in that moment. And for the first time his empty space hit me….. And his absence screamed at me.

HE SHOULD BE HERE!! THIS IS WHAT HE EARNED!! HE DESERVES THIS MOMENT TO CHERISH AND ENJOY!!

I saw all that he would say and all that he would have done. With his hand raised in each toast and with each drink I heard each jeer he would have given; his grin and laugh filled with pride, love and comradery. His laughter hardly contained with his jaw closed; his amusement seeping out; I see how he heckles Adam and finds ways to goad his wedding night performance; his hardly containable chuckling is contagious as he exaggerates the expectations required of a husband; all followed by more laughter. He is so happy!
As I write I almost can believe he was there.
And then I see the emptiness again.
He would have loved to see his children and would have loved to see his friend enter into his new life and family.
I was a poor substitute; unworthy of the love he left for me from his dearest friends. They passed on all their love and loyalty to me in honor of him, but I could never give to them what he did.
You were my anchor… you kept me grounded… everything I was; was because of you. I became a woman with you; without you I am half. They don't realize that you were not just my husband and lover; you were my best friend, my teacher, my father, my brother, my son; my life…. How can anyone expect me to be the same when half of who I am is gone?