Saturday, April 7, 2007

Why I'm mad........

I'm a starting this blog to vent, not for problem solving, but just for venting. Please feel free to vent with me and post your issues. Sometimes its easier to just post a journal, either because you don't want to bother your friends with your problems, or most won't even begin to comprehend the amount of pain and frustration your in, and burdening them is pointless; or, maybe no one cares.
I find myself blaming people when I am angry or frustrated. I know it's stupid and while you're doing it you know it is not the solution to your problem, but someone has to pay, someone's wrong; someone is responsible for your anger, right? No, even while yelling, crying or what ever it is you do, you know you’re the one who is acting out and being irrational. But please God, why do the good ones have to die! My husband of 13 years and father to my two beautiful children has terminal cancer. He is going to be gone from our lives soon. I can't help but feel this is our last summer.
Our doctor ordered hospice for him, and they came to our home to discuss the tasks and what the course of action would be. In the discussion they spoke of his death, and although it was not their fault they would mention where he planned to DIE, and the way they used the word was without pause or any sort of discomfort, with such a caviler attitude. We sat there like pleasant hosts, entertaining our guest and speaking of the impending death of my children’s father. Where are we when we can have emotionless conversations with strangers discussing our life being over? How can I face each day with a smile when I know that all I have ever counted on and known is about to be destroyed? How will my children survive? Will they grow up to be well adjusted, or have a life time of emotional struggles due to the lack of a father? Will anyone step in and try to be a father figure to them?
When we were first diagnosed everyone comes to you and says they will be there for you and to always count on them, but they’re lying. Please don't ever say that to anyone, because it not true and we remember you said it, and we know you won't back it up with actions, and it makes us angry. Oh, I know your intentions are good, and if you only had the time you would and it's just not convenient right now.......Well neither is my husband dying.
Oh, my love...how can you live each day without complaint, knowing you will never see your children grow into beautiful young adults? Your son will have little to no memories of you. You will never see your children graduate, but I promise you they will, and you will be proud. You will never walk your daughter down the aisle. You will never hold you first grandchild in your arms. These things have all been stolen from us. I can't imagine being in your shoes...looking out your eyes or feeling your fear. I can be so selfish, and sometimes feel so angry that this is happening to me, but you... you will loose so much, I can't begin to imagine the depths of your despair. You show such love in your efforts to alleviate my suffering, when it is you who suffers oh so greatly. You have always made it your life’s' goal that the children and I were happy. You have forever made sure I was stress free, you have always taken all the problems and made them go away in an effort to make sure we never had to worry. And my God, how you love your children. There are so many fathers who consider taking care of their kids "babysitting", or a task, but you have always relished every moment, and included your family in all aspect of your life. You have revolved everything you do around us, and loved your children with such fierce determination, you have given me family.