Tuesday, January 6, 2009

He should have been here!


It was an ideal vacation; one we had not taken since his passing. Me, my kids, Adam and his Love. Finally Adam had found himself committed to love. We always knew it would happen; just never sure when. I doubted and scrutinized her; I admit. He is too pure and beautiful of a soul for me to let him go without the knowledge that his partner will absolutely be his heart and future. After all my questions and perspectives I too realized she was the one for him....and with irrefutable emotions you could see that she did too. She is not the type to fall for this man; or him for her, unless there was purity in their love. No one could know how beautiful he is without receiving his love in turn. Unwittingly and without expectation; she saw his heart and could see no other life beyond theirs.
I saw the way she fell for him; from first being a woman with places to go and finding the means to get there; to unexpectedly being a woman who realized she had all she could ever want…… and had not even realized it!!!!..... She could lose what we little girls had always dreamt of if she didn't open her eyes and realize perfection had been staring her in the face all along.
In my most pure of hearts, I cherish the love they have and bless them with all the joy that I see is in their future.

So there we are in Mexico ready for the wedding.
I have learned to distance myself from any sort of painful emotion, and just live in the moment. This is not hard... I was given a gift from God when He passed; the knowledge that this was just a break and not an end. He and I would see one another again; with kids and family in tow; and it would be as it always was; it would be everything and more in that time. This sustains me; this allows me to live and love and continue each day.
I had forewarned Adam that I was not emotional; so he should not be disheartened when he noticed I did not cry (as we assumed all his other best girlfriends would). I knew this to be a fact; but wanted him to know I loved him all the same.
Then they came down the aisle...... his Father holding the arms of both Adam's Mother and Yana's Mother. These two women were so awe inspiring and so kind and so loving and so pure; and they were giving away their children.... It was momentous. I saw such beauty; so much more than I knew I could see. This started my emotional spiral.
They had both opened their hearts up to me with such kindness and love and each had included me in their families as if I were one of their own. It was as though the marriage of Adam and Yana had included me and joined me into both families. I know that I could rely on either side to be there for me should I ever need help and this assistance would come with no strings attached.
So there I am watching my children precede Yana down the aisle… all the spectators were cheering and admiring the striking event in its entire splendor.
I had heard thru friendly comments that although Adam would have loved to place Henry in the Best Man’s position; he thought it would be too emotional for him to see Henry standing in the shoes of his Father.
This emotional location did not occur to me.
I love Adam no matter what choices he makes and I have absolute security his every decision. So I was not prepared for the effect his last minute alteration would have. Somehow; though I'm not sure it didn't happen on coincidence; Henry stood by Adam in the space of the Best Man.
And I saw him.
For the first time since he left me I saw him as sure as if he were there. I saw his physical being standing next to Adam. I felt his joy and glee and humility and pride. I have never felt his utter certainty like I did in that moment. And for the first time his empty space hit me….. And his absence screamed at me.

HE SHOULD BE HERE!! THIS IS WHAT HE EARNED!! HE DESERVES THIS MOMENT TO CHERISH AND ENJOY!!

I saw all that he would say and all that he would have done. With his hand raised in each toast and with each drink I heard each jeer he would have given; his grin and laugh filled with pride, love and comradery. His laughter hardly contained with his jaw closed; his amusement seeping out; I see how he heckles Adam and finds ways to goad his wedding night performance; his hardly containable chuckling is contagious as he exaggerates the expectations required of a husband; all followed by more laughter. He is so happy!
As I write I almost can believe he was there.
And then I see the emptiness again.
He would have loved to see his children and would have loved to see his friend enter into his new life and family.
I was a poor substitute; unworthy of the love he left for me from his dearest friends. They passed on all their love and loyalty to me in honor of him, but I could never give to them what he did.
You were my anchor… you kept me grounded… everything I was; was because of you. I became a woman with you; without you I am half. They don't realize that you were not just my husband and lover; you were my best friend, my teacher, my father, my brother, my son; my life…. How can anyone expect me to be the same when half of who I am is gone?