Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The pain and loss of losing your spouse is the worst thing I have ever felt. It has irrevocable damaged me and changed me.
This is a pain I would never wish on another soul.But in great irony and misfortune, it happened again. This time to my sister. She is my best friend and my twin... (Not in fact; however we have always been told we are identical and have always felt this way).
Her husband passed last week. She too has two small children, the same age as mine. Blake was not just a Brother in Law, but a Brother in every sense of the word beyond blood. I have known him for 20 years... he grew up with us, and he and my sister fell in love in their youth.
I wanted to share the feelings I wrote down when I heard of his death.
-I sat down the other night and I tried to think of the most amazing time Blake and I had ever had together. I couldn't think of one that surpassed any other. When I think of my times with him; I see most of our recent moments.
And in each of those I find it difficult to state the actual commentary said, because with Blake it somehow seemed to be the emotions you shared that you walked away with, not necessarily the words that were said.
We came up with many Blakeism based on his reactions and resolutions to situations. The one I used the most; and the one I found most irritating was his ability to look in your eyes and admit his errors and say he planned to do better and to be better. You always believed him.
How amazing would it be if what we learned from Blake was his ability to listen to someone lecture us with their opinions, and see only love thru the words… and see hope in their efforts, and hope to grow from their advice.
I have recently walked a road I never wanted to take, and in so have learned a lot about defeat, shame, despair, weakness, solitude, but most importantly and lastly; I saw my value. On the day of his passing it pained me to hold in the utter grief and sadness I felt, especially when I joined our Family.
I wanted to wail out loud and fall to my knees in sorrow. It made me long for the times we have read about when you covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and mourned in the street. He deserved all the sincerity of the anguish I felt.There was a moment that day that I sat down and just cried and vented. I sat with a friend and shared my loss and anger. I wailed and swore; I found my rage and my sadness…..; still nothing was enough to relieve the feeling that encompassed me. But in the following conversation I was able to have a Moment of peace and clarity. It was When I screamed out "I can't believe he did this!!!". My friend said to me "I know, I always thought he would come out of it for his kids". It was in this moment I felt like I understood Blake the most.However our ailments may differ, I know how it feels to be in his shoes. I can see the steps it takes to get to where you are; albeit, many stronger can choose differently. You wake up each day and see what you have in store for you. You have learned long ago not to fool yourself, so you say… OK, today I know I cannot make a change, and today I know nothing will be different, but God, Dear God, please give me something tomorrow; some strength, some difference, some person, some divine power that makes tomorrow different. When my friend said he thought the kids would be enough, I knew that Blake did too… just not today; but he always knew he had tomorrow to make it better… he always had tomorrow. He never gave up on his tomorrow. But his tomorrow never came.I love you so much Blake. You were my little brother, and my friend. My Blakob, and My Jacob.
This is a pain I would never wish on another soul.But in great irony and misfortune, it happened again. This time to my sister. She is my best friend and my twin... (Not in fact; however we have always been told we are identical and have always felt this way).
Her husband passed last week. She too has two small children, the same age as mine. Blake was not just a Brother in Law, but a Brother in every sense of the word beyond blood. I have known him for 20 years... he grew up with us, and he and my sister fell in love in their youth.
I wanted to share the feelings I wrote down when I heard of his death.
-I sat down the other night and I tried to think of the most amazing time Blake and I had ever had together. I couldn't think of one that surpassed any other. When I think of my times with him; I see most of our recent moments.
And in each of those I find it difficult to state the actual commentary said, because with Blake it somehow seemed to be the emotions you shared that you walked away with, not necessarily the words that were said.
We came up with many Blakeism based on his reactions and resolutions to situations. The one I used the most; and the one I found most irritating was his ability to look in your eyes and admit his errors and say he planned to do better and to be better. You always believed him.
How amazing would it be if what we learned from Blake was his ability to listen to someone lecture us with their opinions, and see only love thru the words… and see hope in their efforts, and hope to grow from their advice.
I have recently walked a road I never wanted to take, and in so have learned a lot about defeat, shame, despair, weakness, solitude, but most importantly and lastly; I saw my value. On the day of his passing it pained me to hold in the utter grief and sadness I felt, especially when I joined our Family.
I wanted to wail out loud and fall to my knees in sorrow. It made me long for the times we have read about when you covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and mourned in the street. He deserved all the sincerity of the anguish I felt.There was a moment that day that I sat down and just cried and vented. I sat with a friend and shared my loss and anger. I wailed and swore; I found my rage and my sadness…..; still nothing was enough to relieve the feeling that encompassed me. But in the following conversation I was able to have a Moment of peace and clarity. It was When I screamed out "I can't believe he did this!!!". My friend said to me "I know, I always thought he would come out of it for his kids". It was in this moment I felt like I understood Blake the most.However our ailments may differ, I know how it feels to be in his shoes. I can see the steps it takes to get to where you are; albeit, many stronger can choose differently. You wake up each day and see what you have in store for you. You have learned long ago not to fool yourself, so you say… OK, today I know I cannot make a change, and today I know nothing will be different, but God, Dear God, please give me something tomorrow; some strength, some difference, some person, some divine power that makes tomorrow different. When my friend said he thought the kids would be enough, I knew that Blake did too… just not today; but he always knew he had tomorrow to make it better… he always had tomorrow. He never gave up on his tomorrow. But his tomorrow never came.I love you so much Blake. You were my little brother, and my friend. My Blakob, and My Jacob.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Anger and Pain seems to grow....??
I was once the strength of my Family. I saved everyone; I was the one who made it all happen. When you needed help you came to me.
I thought I was so above the pitiful excuses and failings that I saw being accepted by those who were weak of mind.
With my entry and in the interest of full disclosure I feel I must make known my unusual upbringing. I was raised in a commune. That is a story for a whole different day. Nevertheless this is part of what made me; and perhaps serves as some part of an explanation for the depths of my dismay.
Although I express my pain, it is my end desire to pay it forward, and give something back to humanity.
I was able to vent my anguish in a simple form… a journal; or better known as a “Blog”. I hope to submit it to reader in the wish that it can help someone else.
I was surprised when I looked thru my journal and found no specific mention of the day my husband died. This day for me was the day that God told me he may make your life perfect in the beginning, but there is always a price to pay.
This I never knew, but I must have agreed to this fate when I became me. I was never a person who saw religion as a blanket rule. I was taught to believe in one man and told to accept what was told to me; but it never seemed to sit well and I never accepted the rules that were given to me as far as religion. I know that there is a higher power… I know there is God, but in all this, I also know that no man can dictate the rules of God to me. I do not believe that some “preordained” man, who is there only because this is the particular course he chose to “educated” himself with, can infringe on me his perception of a testament that cannot be spoken to man alone. I know that our God is a kind and righteous God… he does not want his children to live in despair. You are not born of sin, and if you are pure of heart you will not die in sin.
How audacious you must be to think that you alone are the one with whom God communicates and that your earthly schooling gives you the right to speak on his behalf!! You haughty man!! The lord our God is all of us and we are all him. When he chooses to speak to me, it has come from him to me; not from “Oh you of vanity and pride”. I know where I will stand in the day of my reckoning.. I hope you do. I will have no shame or guilt and I will humble myself and accept all that I have done. I will walk into his arms as pure as the day I came into this life.
Ok… so I see that I must have some issues with my religion based on the last paragraph. This is the power that writing gives you; the ability to let it all out without actual sound and physicality. With this discloser, I once again continue with my account of my life.
So there I am… My beautiful strong man is barely alive. He asked me to stay with him, but in my disassociation, I ignored his plea, and chose to stay up stairs in my bed…… leaving him completely alone in the night for his last days. Was it because I was really that cold and heartless, or dear God, please allow me to believe it was because I wouldn’t see the reality of the situation; and I thought it was just one more exaggeration that in the days to follow would soon pass? I left him alone when he begged me to stay.
How can I ever forgive myself. How sick and selfish I was.
When he looked at me with helplessness; asking only for my love… was I able to give it to him? Or did I allow all the years of indifference to interfere with my love. In the previous days I chastised him when he spilled his medicine; telling him I was tired of picking up after him due to his laziness. “Be a man”… this is what I implied. He looked at me and told me how sorry he was. In that moment I saw his suffering. He had never spoken to me with this emotion or looked at me with such need and trust. I did instantly feel remorse; but was it enough? Did I show that love to him? Did he know? After years of being conditioned to his lack of emotion, I passed this back in return. But I know that that was never me… and this was when he needed the girl he married… the one who cared for everyone, and would never let someone who was hurt go without help. Did I give that to him? Was I so jaded that I made his pain insignificant? Did I offer enough support, love and emotions?
On the day before he passed His best friend took my kids up for ice cream, just to give them a moment of normalcy. We had many kids passing thru the house in these last days and sugar snacks were prevalent. When my attention was brought to the red color in the toilet bowl, I dismissed it as one of the many popsicles that had been doled out as had falling in. I knew my son had just been in there; however the explanation was perfectly sensible and I accepted the rational reasoning. In retrospect I remember that just before leaving I saw him running into the same bathroom again… then they were off to Baskin Robbins.
The phone rang shortly after. I didn’t answer. The next time my best friend picked up and she looked confused. “Henry is bleeding from behind and we are scared” was my interpretation of the call. I immediately thought back to the red water in the toilet and knew he had gone again. In hopeful denial of my serious concern I ran to the restroom. The water was red… blood drops on the seat. Oh God. In that moment I felt like I was pushed into a nightmare and this was a scene from some horrid dream. I remember falling to the floor…This can’t be real! There is no God that would simultaneously take my Husband and son from me. This shouldn’t be real. But it was.
For just one moment I used my sanity and told them to call 911. The rest is almost a blur. We ran to the car and started up to Henry. In these fleeting moments I remember knowing that my life was no longer in the whimsical bubble I insisted in living. I was going to learn that lesson in the most brutal way. I had seen movies where people; when faced with the most improbable dilemmas pray. I never knew how real that prayer was. Without thought I could repeat nothing but his name “Jesus Christ” Over and over and over. When all was lost; how powerful a tribute it is that the only words that give you solace and comfort are when invoke his name. I learned a lot about my faith from that moment.
I thought I was so above the pitiful excuses and failings that I saw being accepted by those who were weak of mind.
With my entry and in the interest of full disclosure I feel I must make known my unusual upbringing. I was raised in a commune. That is a story for a whole different day. Nevertheless this is part of what made me; and perhaps serves as some part of an explanation for the depths of my dismay.
Although I express my pain, it is my end desire to pay it forward, and give something back to humanity.
I was able to vent my anguish in a simple form… a journal; or better known as a “Blog”. I hope to submit it to reader in the wish that it can help someone else.
I was surprised when I looked thru my journal and found no specific mention of the day my husband died. This day for me was the day that God told me he may make your life perfect in the beginning, but there is always a price to pay.
This I never knew, but I must have agreed to this fate when I became me. I was never a person who saw religion as a blanket rule. I was taught to believe in one man and told to accept what was told to me; but it never seemed to sit well and I never accepted the rules that were given to me as far as religion. I know that there is a higher power… I know there is God, but in all this, I also know that no man can dictate the rules of God to me. I do not believe that some “preordained” man, who is there only because this is the particular course he chose to “educated” himself with, can infringe on me his perception of a testament that cannot be spoken to man alone. I know that our God is a kind and righteous God… he does not want his children to live in despair. You are not born of sin, and if you are pure of heart you will not die in sin.
How audacious you must be to think that you alone are the one with whom God communicates and that your earthly schooling gives you the right to speak on his behalf!! You haughty man!! The lord our God is all of us and we are all him. When he chooses to speak to me, it has come from him to me; not from “Oh you of vanity and pride”. I know where I will stand in the day of my reckoning.. I hope you do. I will have no shame or guilt and I will humble myself and accept all that I have done. I will walk into his arms as pure as the day I came into this life.
Ok… so I see that I must have some issues with my religion based on the last paragraph. This is the power that writing gives you; the ability to let it all out without actual sound and physicality. With this discloser, I once again continue with my account of my life.
So there I am… My beautiful strong man is barely alive. He asked me to stay with him, but in my disassociation, I ignored his plea, and chose to stay up stairs in my bed…… leaving him completely alone in the night for his last days. Was it because I was really that cold and heartless, or dear God, please allow me to believe it was because I wouldn’t see the reality of the situation; and I thought it was just one more exaggeration that in the days to follow would soon pass? I left him alone when he begged me to stay.
How can I ever forgive myself. How sick and selfish I was.
When he looked at me with helplessness; asking only for my love… was I able to give it to him? Or did I allow all the years of indifference to interfere with my love. In the previous days I chastised him when he spilled his medicine; telling him I was tired of picking up after him due to his laziness. “Be a man”… this is what I implied. He looked at me and told me how sorry he was. In that moment I saw his suffering. He had never spoken to me with this emotion or looked at me with such need and trust. I did instantly feel remorse; but was it enough? Did I show that love to him? Did he know? After years of being conditioned to his lack of emotion, I passed this back in return. But I know that that was never me… and this was when he needed the girl he married… the one who cared for everyone, and would never let someone who was hurt go without help. Did I give that to him? Was I so jaded that I made his pain insignificant? Did I offer enough support, love and emotions?
On the day before he passed His best friend took my kids up for ice cream, just to give them a moment of normalcy. We had many kids passing thru the house in these last days and sugar snacks were prevalent. When my attention was brought to the red color in the toilet bowl, I dismissed it as one of the many popsicles that had been doled out as had falling in. I knew my son had just been in there; however the explanation was perfectly sensible and I accepted the rational reasoning. In retrospect I remember that just before leaving I saw him running into the same bathroom again… then they were off to Baskin Robbins.
The phone rang shortly after. I didn’t answer. The next time my best friend picked up and she looked confused. “Henry is bleeding from behind and we are scared” was my interpretation of the call. I immediately thought back to the red water in the toilet and knew he had gone again. In hopeful denial of my serious concern I ran to the restroom. The water was red… blood drops on the seat. Oh God. In that moment I felt like I was pushed into a nightmare and this was a scene from some horrid dream. I remember falling to the floor…This can’t be real! There is no God that would simultaneously take my Husband and son from me. This shouldn’t be real. But it was.
For just one moment I used my sanity and told them to call 911. The rest is almost a blur. We ran to the car and started up to Henry. In these fleeting moments I remember knowing that my life was no longer in the whimsical bubble I insisted in living. I was going to learn that lesson in the most brutal way. I had seen movies where people; when faced with the most improbable dilemmas pray. I never knew how real that prayer was. Without thought I could repeat nothing but his name “Jesus Christ” Over and over and over. When all was lost; how powerful a tribute it is that the only words that give you solace and comfort are when invoke his name. I learned a lot about my faith from that moment.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I'm so different.
When I write I tend to just spill it all out and release my emotions on paper. In the morning I can regret being so frank. Sometimes I resist writing down my true feelings and adding them to this site because I'm sure they will be viewed as skewed and abnormal. I'm not sure anyone is as messed up as I am.
My Mother allowed for one year to get back to normal after she couldn't cope with my new personality... but that year has come and gone and I an still not what they expect me to be. I don't know how to break free from the reclusive emotions I feel or the crushing need to be alone.
My Mother allowed for one year to get back to normal after she couldn't cope with my new personality... but that year has come and gone and I an still not what they expect me to be. I don't know how to break free from the reclusive emotions I feel or the crushing need to be alone.
My relationship with men
It's been almost 20 months now. May 12, 2007. At first I felt nothing in regards to attraction to other men; and then one day I did. I'm not sure how it happened. But when it did it wasn't because I felt I was surrounded by my peers and looking for depth, it was because I saw how I had an advantage over men who were attracted to me, allowing me the luxury of indifference. I didn't mean for this to awaken a change in me, but I realized that for the first time in my life I didn't care what anyone thought of me, and that I could be in control void of concern or perceptions. But what I felt has not been healthy.
I refuse to care for any man or treat them with respect. I'm losing it! I select situations where I won't care and refuse to participate in any relationship where I am required to give my heart. In selective insights I can see how I am looking to punish all men for my devastation. I need them to know that I will never love again; and to know they will never measure up to my husband. I am not shy about stating my expectations.
I begin each relationship with unnecessary statements that protect me and prepare me for the emptiness that follows that I expect and seek. I want everyone to know that I am empty and care for nothing. I refuse to allow anyone to replace him. Do I need to? Can I just be alone? Where do I go from here? Is this going to come back and hurt me when I wake up… or is this just who I am?
I refuse to care for any man or treat them with respect. I'm losing it! I select situations where I won't care and refuse to participate in any relationship where I am required to give my heart. In selective insights I can see how I am looking to punish all men for my devastation. I need them to know that I will never love again; and to know they will never measure up to my husband. I am not shy about stating my expectations.
I begin each relationship with unnecessary statements that protect me and prepare me for the emptiness that follows that I expect and seek. I want everyone to know that I am empty and care for nothing. I refuse to allow anyone to replace him. Do I need to? Can I just be alone? Where do I go from here? Is this going to come back and hurt me when I wake up… or is this just who I am?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
He should have been here!
It was an ideal vacation; one we had not taken since his passing. Me, my kids, Adam and his Love. Finally Adam had found himself committed to love. We always knew it would happen; just never sure when. I doubted and scrutinized her; I admit. He is too pure and beautiful of a soul for me to let him go without the knowledge that his partner will absolutely be his heart and future. After all my questions and perspectives I too realized she was the one for him....and with irrefutable emotions you could see that she did too. She is not the type to fall for this man; or him for her, unless there was purity in their love. No one could know how beautiful he is without receiving his love in turn. Unwittingly and without expectation; she saw his heart and could see no other life beyond theirs.
I saw the way she fell for him; from first being a woman with places to go and finding the means to get there; to unexpectedly being a woman who realized she had all she could ever want…… and had not even realized it!!!!..... She could lose what we little girls had always dreamt of if she didn't open her eyes and realize perfection had been staring her in the face all along.
In my most pure of hearts, I cherish the love they have and bless them with all the joy that I see is in their future.
So there we are in Mexico ready for the wedding.
I have learned to distance myself from any sort of painful emotion, and just live in the moment. This is not hard... I was given a gift from God when He passed; the knowledge that this was just a break and not an end. He and I would see one another again; with kids and family in tow; and it would be as it always was; it would be everything and more in that time. This sustains me; this allows me to live and love and continue each day.
I had forewarned Adam that I was not emotional; so he should not be disheartened when he noticed I did not cry (as we assumed all his other best girlfriends would). I knew this to be a fact; but wanted him to know I loved him all the same.
Then they came down the aisle...... his Father holding the arms of both Adam's Mother and Yana's Mother. These two women were so awe inspiring and so kind and so loving and so pure; and they were giving away their children.... It was momentous. I saw such beauty; so much more than I knew I could see. This started my emotional spiral.
They had both opened their hearts up to me with such kindness and love and each had included me in their families as if I were one of their own. It was as though the marriage of Adam and Yana had included me and joined me into both families. I know that I could rely on either side to be there for me should I ever need help and this assistance would come with no strings attached.
So there I am watching my children precede Yana down the aisle… all the spectators were cheering and admiring the striking event in its entire splendor.
I had heard thru friendly comments that although Adam would have loved to place Henry in the Best Man’s position; he thought it would be too emotional for him to see Henry standing in the shoes of his Father.
This emotional location did not occur to me.
I love Adam no matter what choices he makes and I have absolute security his every decision. So I was not prepared for the effect his last minute alteration would have. Somehow; though I'm not sure it didn't happen on coincidence; Henry stood by Adam in the space of the Best Man.
And I saw him.
For the first time since he left me I saw him as sure as if he were there. I saw his physical being standing next to Adam. I felt his joy and glee and humility and pride. I have never felt his utter certainty like I did in that moment. And for the first time his empty space hit me….. And his absence screamed at me.
HE SHOULD BE HERE!! THIS IS WHAT HE EARNED!! HE DESERVES THIS MOMENT TO CHERISH AND ENJOY!!
I saw all that he would say and all that he would have done. With his hand raised in each toast and with each drink I heard each jeer he would have given; his grin and laugh filled with pride, love and comradery. His laughter hardly contained with his jaw closed; his amusement seeping out; I see how he heckles Adam and finds ways to goad his wedding night performance; his hardly containable chuckling is contagious as he exaggerates the expectations required of a husband; all followed by more laughter. He is so happy!
As I write I almost can believe he was there.
And then I see the emptiness again.
He would have loved to see his children and would have loved to see his friend enter into his new life and family.
I was a poor substitute; unworthy of the love he left for me from his dearest friends. They passed on all their love and loyalty to me in honor of him, but I could never give to them what he did.
You were my anchor… you kept me grounded… everything I was; was because of you. I became a woman with you; without you I am half. They don't realize that you were not just my husband and lover; you were my best friend, my teacher, my father, my brother, my son; my life…. How can anyone expect me to be the same when half of who I am is gone?
I saw the way she fell for him; from first being a woman with places to go and finding the means to get there; to unexpectedly being a woman who realized she had all she could ever want…… and had not even realized it!!!!..... She could lose what we little girls had always dreamt of if she didn't open her eyes and realize perfection had been staring her in the face all along.
In my most pure of hearts, I cherish the love they have and bless them with all the joy that I see is in their future.
So there we are in Mexico ready for the wedding.
I have learned to distance myself from any sort of painful emotion, and just live in the moment. This is not hard... I was given a gift from God when He passed; the knowledge that this was just a break and not an end. He and I would see one another again; with kids and family in tow; and it would be as it always was; it would be everything and more in that time. This sustains me; this allows me to live and love and continue each day.
I had forewarned Adam that I was not emotional; so he should not be disheartened when he noticed I did not cry (as we assumed all his other best girlfriends would). I knew this to be a fact; but wanted him to know I loved him all the same.
Then they came down the aisle...... his Father holding the arms of both Adam's Mother and Yana's Mother. These two women were so awe inspiring and so kind and so loving and so pure; and they were giving away their children.... It was momentous. I saw such beauty; so much more than I knew I could see. This started my emotional spiral.
They had both opened their hearts up to me with such kindness and love and each had included me in their families as if I were one of their own. It was as though the marriage of Adam and Yana had included me and joined me into both families. I know that I could rely on either side to be there for me should I ever need help and this assistance would come with no strings attached.
So there I am watching my children precede Yana down the aisle… all the spectators were cheering and admiring the striking event in its entire splendor.
I had heard thru friendly comments that although Adam would have loved to place Henry in the Best Man’s position; he thought it would be too emotional for him to see Henry standing in the shoes of his Father.
This emotional location did not occur to me.
I love Adam no matter what choices he makes and I have absolute security his every decision. So I was not prepared for the effect his last minute alteration would have. Somehow; though I'm not sure it didn't happen on coincidence; Henry stood by Adam in the space of the Best Man.
And I saw him.
For the first time since he left me I saw him as sure as if he were there. I saw his physical being standing next to Adam. I felt his joy and glee and humility and pride. I have never felt his utter certainty like I did in that moment. And for the first time his empty space hit me….. And his absence screamed at me.
HE SHOULD BE HERE!! THIS IS WHAT HE EARNED!! HE DESERVES THIS MOMENT TO CHERISH AND ENJOY!!
I saw all that he would say and all that he would have done. With his hand raised in each toast and with each drink I heard each jeer he would have given; his grin and laugh filled with pride, love and comradery. His laughter hardly contained with his jaw closed; his amusement seeping out; I see how he heckles Adam and finds ways to goad his wedding night performance; his hardly containable chuckling is contagious as he exaggerates the expectations required of a husband; all followed by more laughter. He is so happy!
As I write I almost can believe he was there.
And then I see the emptiness again.
He would have loved to see his children and would have loved to see his friend enter into his new life and family.
I was a poor substitute; unworthy of the love he left for me from his dearest friends. They passed on all their love and loyalty to me in honor of him, but I could never give to them what he did.
You were my anchor… you kept me grounded… everything I was; was because of you. I became a woman with you; without you I am half. They don't realize that you were not just my husband and lover; you were my best friend, my teacher, my father, my brother, my son; my life…. How can anyone expect me to be the same when half of who I am is gone?
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