When Cancer entered our life

I remember when he was first diagnosed how I would look at elderly couples, and feel resentment. I allowed my pain and anger to dictate my life and in essence control who I was. At some point we started to loose "us" by living in our impending doom. We noticed that allowing such destructive emotions seemed to drain us from just enjoying life. We could not be the couple who lived each day as reality; instead we had a shadow of fear over us. How could we be responsible parents and maintain joy with each other if we were in a state of constant despair? With unspoken words we decided to do our best to just be normal. Not "live each day as though it's your last", because that was not our real life. We both knew what would come, but refused to ask for a timeline. Our Doctors never gave us hope; we had to find that in each other. Each time we left his chemo appointments. We felt the devastating anguish of reality. This was the only time we accepted what was yet to come. With strained indifference we made plans for the time he was no longer with us, and tried to prepare for the pain that would await us, and how we wanted his life commemorated.In these moments I saw how truly heartbroken he was, and witnessed his most vulnerable moments. It was so painful for him to watch our hearts break when for that moment we let go of hope, and conceded to the certainty of his passing. He spoke of his truest friends with such depth of gratitude and admiration, knowing each would care for his family as if we were their own. I know that with this knowledge he was able to face his future confident we would always be looked after.Outside of these days, we were determined to live as we had always lived. We bought what we wanted, we disciplined our kids, and we planned for years in the future. We even made an offer on an AZ vacation home 1 week before he passed. Luckily we did not continue. We got mad with each other, and made up with each other, but we refused to live every moment in Death. I think this really helped me deal with his passing. He and I made decisions on what we would do, how he would like things carried out, and although he is not here, I am able to hold his values, and carry out his plans for the future of our family with his guidance in my every step. But Dear God, do I miss his advice...the look on his face that would imagine forever as he mapped out the road for our life.My Children are still so pure and young they have not yet realized the finality of their Fathers absence. It is so easy for them to accept that Daddy has gone to Heaven, but will be there to see us someday, and we will all be together again. This is a fear for me, because they have accepted our loss, but in turn with the promise that it is not permanent. They have not realized the concept of time. Neither have I. I dread the years to come. I have no idea how my babies will deal with the emptiness that will inevitability be part of their future. I know that what I have seen in friends from my childhood gives me great concern. It seemed that those from broken homes or single parents carried pains and insecurities. Please give me the strength to give my children discipline, love, tolerance, prayer, security, pride and humility.I can only go into each day, and hope I leave stronger, and clearer.

New Responsibilities

I have been lost for so long, in terms of involvement with the world outside. I do what is absolutely necessary, but little beyond. When my husband first passed, I chose to disconnect from all reality. I didn't answer the phone, didn't return calls, quit going out, and quit opening mail. Everything seemed so unimportant. Now, I feel like I may be able to leave my room, and even the house. I am putting effort into cleaning up all that was neglected. In my efforts I see how much I have let slide, and it feels overwhelming! Every time I try to fix my real world problems I get more difficulties thrown back at me. I struggle with adapting to doing all household tasks alone. And I am making a mess. I just saw more bills come in and dealing with financial issues was something I knew would never be a problem for me. That was when I saw life go on forever, not dissolved at 35. I just unrealistically wish everyone else would have put my responsibilities on hold as long as I did.

Letting go of Possessions

I don't feel ready to let his belongings leave me. I don't throw away anything he has written on, or any receipt from our last trip together. What I have been able to do, is to pass along some of his clothes to my friends or family. In this way, I am not giving them up entirely, and there is even a sense of comfort when I see someone wearing them. This is not to say I can let everything go yet. I still keep the clothes he was most at home in. They hang in my closet, and our dresser still holds his socks, tees etc. I can't seem to get rid of the projects he started when Time was free to him. He started so many useless and varied projects, but they still are all I have left of that part of him.