This is me now... adjust

Please stop trying to understand my state of mind; please stop attempting to find someway to 'Help" me and connect with my emotions. I understand this is a way to feel like you are being a good friend, but the friends I feel closest to are those who just accept how I am in this single moment. On any given day, complete with my ups and downs, the greatest support I receive comes in the form of silence and acceptance. Sadly, this trait also reveals insight into the strength of our relationships; when, in your isolation you may not need to take advantage of the support offered you. I quickly saw this gift tarnish without use, there by eliciting resentment, anger and judgment. I received cruel and hurtful criticism as a result of the choices I made that didn't fit into the perceived road to recovery that had been pre-determined. I was not searching for quick fixes or advise; there are no answers. I choose to give myself time and me. I cannot receive what you hope to offer me. I need to take this journey alone. I see myself clearly, and I will not belittle his memory and hawk my pain to for the benefit of your feelings. Critical insight and negative opinions reveal insecurity and lack of depth, begging the question of motive in offering support; "Is this for my benefit", or will this simply allow you to receive validation of your superior friendship, and rationalize your need to pass judgment on me and my choices? These airs definitely push me away. I don't need anyone to help me with my grieving, it is not something that can be talked, hugged or cried away, it is something that I must deal with, and I know myself enough to face this and process my pain. The only thing that I did need from my friends was no judgments, and unconditional love. I saw who was there in this capacity, and I saw who was not. I gain no support and no emotional help from the latter...just distance. I know how a true and open friend should be, and have learned a lot from this past year. I choose to only have strong, real and completely open friendship with ones who reciprocate, and just enjoy others, without actually caring about what they may say, or the way they choose to live....really I don't care. I don't want big parties, I don't want people over all the time, I don't want to always dine out and shop away my days....I will just be me, and surround my life with friends who love me without condition.

With all the personal changes I am going thru in this process of acceptance/anger/loss, etc, I have also found a part of myself that is stronger and more confident than ever before. It is a pure acceptance in me, and recognition in how to be true to myself.I acknowledge that if I am pure of heart in my actions, and accept the personal mistakes and decisions that I have made, I will find my peace.In my solitude, I have given up guilt, I accept people and their choices without judgment (as long as these are my true friends, and choices are made pure of malice). I don't react to things that won't hurt me, and see the world in a much simpler light. I have found accountability. It is truly rewarding.

I have put distance into some friendships, and the effect of dealing with my loss has changed the way others think of me, it does not matter. The ones who can't accept me as I am, and who I will become, would not have turned out to be true soul friends anyhow. I have pulled away from certain people, but others have shined so much brighter, and a new found love and respect has emerged. In the search for my acceptance I in turn am able to give this to others. How we are and who we become, can positively change the lives of others, because of what we have seen. This really reveals traits you never saw or confronted, and clears up how strong your relationships are. As you grow, you will sadly leave many who have not accepted themselves behind. We have become our biggest support.