Anger and Pain seems to grow....??

I was once the strength of my Family. I saved everyone; I was the one who made it all happen. When you needed help you came to me.
I thought I was so above the pitiful excuses and failings that I saw being accepted by those who were weak of mind.
With my entry and in the interest of full disclosure I feel I must make known my unusual upbringing. I was raised in a commune. That is a story for a whole different day. Nevertheless this is part of what made me; and perhaps serves as some part of an explanation for the depths of my dismay.
Although I express my pain, it is my end desire to pay it forward, and give something back to humanity.
I was able to vent my anguish in a simple form… a journal; or better known as a “Blog”. I hope to submit it to reader in the wish that it can help someone else.
I was surprised when I looked thru my journal and found no specific mention of the day my husband died. This day for me was the day that God told me he may make your life perfect in the beginning, but there is always a price to pay.
This I never knew, but I must have agreed to this fate when I became me. I was never a person who saw religion as a blanket rule. I was taught to believe in one man and told to accept what was told to me; but it never seemed to sit well and I never accepted the rules that were given to me as far as religion. I know that there is a higher power… I know there is God, but in all this, I also know that no man can dictate the rules of God to me. I do not believe that some “preordained” man, who is there only because this is the particular course he chose to “educated” himself with, can infringe on me his perception of a testament that cannot be spoken to man alone. I know that our God is a kind and righteous God… he does not want his children to live in despair. You are not born of sin, and if you are pure of heart you will not die in sin.
How audacious you must be to think that you alone are the one with whom God communicates and that your earthly schooling gives you the right to speak on his behalf!! You haughty man!! The lord our God is all of us and we are all him. When he chooses to speak to me, it has come from him to me; not from “Oh you of vanity and pride”. I know where I will stand in the day of my reckoning.. I hope you do. I will have no shame or guilt and I will humble myself and accept all that I have done. I will walk into his arms as pure as the day I came into this life.
Ok… so I see that I must have some issues with my religion based on the last paragraph. This is the power that writing gives you; the ability to let it all out without actual sound and physicality. With this discloser, I once again continue with my account of my life.
So there I am… My beautiful strong man is barely alive. He asked me to stay with him, but in my disassociation, I ignored his plea, and chose to stay up stairs in my bed…… leaving him completely alone in the night for his last days. Was it because I was really that cold and heartless, or dear God, please allow me to believe it was because I wouldn’t see the reality of the situation; and I thought it was just one more exaggeration that in the days to follow would soon pass? I left him alone when he begged me to stay.
How can I ever forgive myself. How sick and selfish I was.
When he looked at me with helplessness; asking only for my love… was I able to give it to him? Or did I allow all the years of indifference to interfere with my love. In the previous days I chastised him when he spilled his medicine; telling him I was tired of picking up after him due to his laziness. “Be a man”… this is what I implied. He looked at me and told me how sorry he was. In that moment I saw his suffering. He had never spoken to me with this emotion or looked at me with such need and trust. I did instantly feel remorse; but was it enough? Did I show that love to him? Did he know? After years of being conditioned to his lack of emotion, I passed this back in return. But I know that that was never me… and this was when he needed the girl he married… the one who cared for everyone, and would never let someone who was hurt go without help. Did I give that to him? Was I so jaded that I made his pain insignificant? Did I offer enough support, love and emotions?
On the day before he passed His best friend took my kids up for ice cream, just to give them a moment of normalcy. We had many kids passing thru the house in these last days and sugar snacks were prevalent. When my attention was brought to the red color in the toilet bowl, I dismissed it as one of the many popsicles that had been doled out as had falling in. I knew my son had just been in there; however the explanation was perfectly sensible and I accepted the rational reasoning. In retrospect I remember that just before leaving I saw him running into the same bathroom again… then they were off to Baskin Robbins.
The phone rang shortly after. I didn’t answer. The next time my best friend picked up and she looked confused. “Henry is bleeding from behind and we are scared” was my interpretation of the call. I immediately thought back to the red water in the toilet and knew he had gone again. In hopeful denial of my serious concern I ran to the restroom. The water was red… blood drops on the seat. Oh God. In that moment I felt like I was pushed into a nightmare and this was a scene from some horrid dream. I remember falling to the floor…This can’t be real! There is no God that would simultaneously take my Husband and son from me. This shouldn’t be real. But it was.
For just one moment I used my sanity and told them to call 911. The rest is almost a blur. We ran to the car and started up to Henry. In these fleeting moments I remember knowing that my life was no longer in the whimsical bubble I insisted in living. I was going to learn that lesson in the most brutal way. I had seen movies where people; when faced with the most improbable dilemmas pray. I never knew how real that prayer was. Without thought I could repeat nothing but his name “Jesus Christ” Over and over and over. When all was lost; how powerful a tribute it is that the only words that give you solace and comfort are when invoke his name. I learned a lot about my faith from that moment.