We did it.

We did it.
It was so clear once I looked. We honored him true to his spirit. He loved the water and loved boating. He would spend hours on our dock nature watching, and often had slumber parties with the kids in the boat. I have not been on the dock or boat since he passed, so it was important to let go of this avoidance. The kids and I went on the boat and lit candles. We made a paper boat each, and filled them with flowers and a candle. Audrey put each one in the water, and Henry dropped flowers in around them. We watched till they were out of sight, and then went down to the park to see them pass by again. It was perfect.
He is with me. I end this day with peace.

One Year Today.............

Today is one Year.

I had planned to take my 9 year old daughter out to the cemetery to pay our respects. However the thought has weighed on me, and I wonder if is a necessary choice. Why do I need to remind her that our loss has a date? Is it so important that she know when she lost her father? Is it better to leave well enough alone, and for her to just know he is not with us, and feel him around her in spirit?I have already made the decision not to take my 4 year old son with us. I can't imagine he could benefit from discovering that his Father is not just “out there”, but instead hearing that he is in the ground beneath us? He knows about Heaven, and this is still a location he can visualize, not a physical finality. My girlfriend brought up her Grandmothers passing, and subsequent cremation, saying she wished she had a place to go where she could grieve; this is in reference to my husband being in a cemetery. The conversation made me confront my issues with going to his gravesite.I do not receive solace from being there. It does not necessary bring me closer. It is not him. The real result of being there forces me to face the harsh reality that his body is beneath me, and destroyed by the elements of death. Why would I feel good about being at a place that holds no semblance of his person? It kills me to accept the truth of what is below me. It almost angers me that it is assumed this is where I would gain the largest source of comfort and closeness. He is not there! He is in the bed next to me. He is in the family room watching TV. He is with me as I pass all the places we went together. He is with me in thought as I get out of the shower, and dampen the rug; something that would drive him nuts. He is felt when I grocery shop, and pass by the items that I always had to include for him. His presence is with me more as I go on with my daily life; not this random plot of land, never visited by the two of us! This place means nothing! He is not the body incased below me! I hate timelines! Why do I need to commemorate his death? I hurt so deeply in this moment. I hate the perception that today is a day that I would feel more pain than that which is with me always.
……………………………My Love.
I think that maybe to honor him, perhaps we should all go to a place that we experienced Family, and laughter. That is where he is.

When Cancer entered our life

I remember when he was first diagnosed how I would look at elderly couples, and feel resentment. I allowed my pain and anger to dictate my life and in essence control who I was. At some point we started to loose "us" by living in our impending doom. We noticed that allowing such destructive emotions seemed to drain us from just enjoying life. We could not be the couple who lived each day as reality; instead we had a shadow of fear over us. How could we be responsible parents and maintain joy with each other if we were in a state of constant despair? With unspoken words we decided to do our best to just be normal. Not "live each day as though it's your last", because that was not our real life. We both knew what would come, but refused to ask for a timeline. Our Doctors never gave us hope; we had to find that in each other. Each time we left his chemo appointments. We felt the devastating anguish of reality. This was the only time we accepted what was yet to come. With strained indifference we made plans for the time he was no longer with us, and tried to prepare for the pain that would await us, and how we wanted his life commemorated.In these moments I saw how truly heartbroken he was, and witnessed his most vulnerable moments. It was so painful for him to watch our hearts break when for that moment we let go of hope, and conceded to the certainty of his passing. He spoke of his truest friends with such depth of gratitude and admiration, knowing each would care for his family as if we were their own. I know that with this knowledge he was able to face his future confident we would always be looked after.Outside of these days, we were determined to live as we had always lived. We bought what we wanted, we disciplined our kids, and we planned for years in the future. We even made an offer on an AZ vacation home 1 week before he passed. Luckily we did not continue. We got mad with each other, and made up with each other, but we refused to live every moment in Death. I think this really helped me deal with his passing. He and I made decisions on what we would do, how he would like things carried out, and although he is not here, I am able to hold his values, and carry out his plans for the future of our family with his guidance in my every step. But Dear God, do I miss his advice...the look on his face that would imagine forever as he mapped out the road for our life.My Children are still so pure and young they have not yet realized the finality of their Fathers absence. It is so easy for them to accept that Daddy has gone to Heaven, but will be there to see us someday, and we will all be together again. This is a fear for me, because they have accepted our loss, but in turn with the promise that it is not permanent. They have not realized the concept of time. Neither have I. I dread the years to come. I have no idea how my babies will deal with the emptiness that will inevitability be part of their future. I know that what I have seen in friends from my childhood gives me great concern. It seemed that those from broken homes or single parents carried pains and insecurities. Please give me the strength to give my children discipline, love, tolerance, prayer, security, pride and humility.I can only go into each day, and hope I leave stronger, and clearer.

New Responsibilities

I have been lost for so long, in terms of involvement with the world outside. I do what is absolutely necessary, but little beyond. When my husband first passed, I chose to disconnect from all reality. I didn't answer the phone, didn't return calls, quit going out, and quit opening mail. Everything seemed so unimportant. Now, I feel like I may be able to leave my room, and even the house. I am putting effort into cleaning up all that was neglected. In my efforts I see how much I have let slide, and it feels overwhelming! Every time I try to fix my real world problems I get more difficulties thrown back at me. I struggle with adapting to doing all household tasks alone. And I am making a mess. I just saw more bills come in and dealing with financial issues was something I knew would never be a problem for me. That was when I saw life go on forever, not dissolved at 35. I just unrealistically wish everyone else would have put my responsibilities on hold as long as I did.

Letting go of Possessions

I don't feel ready to let his belongings leave me. I don't throw away anything he has written on, or any receipt from our last trip together. What I have been able to do, is to pass along some of his clothes to my friends or family. In this way, I am not giving them up entirely, and there is even a sense of comfort when I see someone wearing them. This is not to say I can let everything go yet. I still keep the clothes he was most at home in. They hang in my closet, and our dresser still holds his socks, tees etc. I can't seem to get rid of the projects he started when Time was free to him. He started so many useless and varied projects, but they still are all I have left of that part of him.

This is me now... adjust

Please stop trying to understand my state of mind; please stop attempting to find someway to 'Help" me and connect with my emotions. I understand this is a way to feel like you are being a good friend, but the friends I feel closest to are those who just accept how I am in this single moment. On any given day, complete with my ups and downs, the greatest support I receive comes in the form of silence and acceptance. Sadly, this trait also reveals insight into the strength of our relationships; when, in your isolation you may not need to take advantage of the support offered you. I quickly saw this gift tarnish without use, there by eliciting resentment, anger and judgment. I received cruel and hurtful criticism as a result of the choices I made that didn't fit into the perceived road to recovery that had been pre-determined. I was not searching for quick fixes or advise; there are no answers. I choose to give myself time and me. I cannot receive what you hope to offer me. I need to take this journey alone. I see myself clearly, and I will not belittle his memory and hawk my pain to for the benefit of your feelings. Critical insight and negative opinions reveal insecurity and lack of depth, begging the question of motive in offering support; "Is this for my benefit", or will this simply allow you to receive validation of your superior friendship, and rationalize your need to pass judgment on me and my choices? These airs definitely push me away. I don't need anyone to help me with my grieving, it is not something that can be talked, hugged or cried away, it is something that I must deal with, and I know myself enough to face this and process my pain. The only thing that I did need from my friends was no judgments, and unconditional love. I saw who was there in this capacity, and I saw who was not. I gain no support and no emotional help from the latter...just distance. I know how a true and open friend should be, and have learned a lot from this past year. I choose to only have strong, real and completely open friendship with ones who reciprocate, and just enjoy others, without actually caring about what they may say, or the way they choose to live....really I don't care. I don't want big parties, I don't want people over all the time, I don't want to always dine out and shop away my days....I will just be me, and surround my life with friends who love me without condition.

With all the personal changes I am going thru in this process of acceptance/anger/loss, etc, I have also found a part of myself that is stronger and more confident than ever before. It is a pure acceptance in me, and recognition in how to be true to myself.I acknowledge that if I am pure of heart in my actions, and accept the personal mistakes and decisions that I have made, I will find my peace.In my solitude, I have given up guilt, I accept people and their choices without judgment (as long as these are my true friends, and choices are made pure of malice). I don't react to things that won't hurt me, and see the world in a much simpler light. I have found accountability. It is truly rewarding.

I have put distance into some friendships, and the effect of dealing with my loss has changed the way others think of me, it does not matter. The ones who can't accept me as I am, and who I will become, would not have turned out to be true soul friends anyhow. I have pulled away from certain people, but others have shined so much brighter, and a new found love and respect has emerged. In the search for my acceptance I in turn am able to give this to others. How we are and who we become, can positively change the lives of others, because of what we have seen. This really reveals traits you never saw or confronted, and clears up how strong your relationships are. As you grow, you will sadly leave many who have not accepted themselves behind. We have become our biggest support.

I don't know where to go

I don't quite know where I go. I have tried to find solace and still find myself alone. It may seem intentional to some, however I am in search of the catalyst that propels me to the place where I begin to truly heal. Is it because I only write when I feel totally alone, or because I am not involved in the day to day pleasantries I read, or does my age hinder me from evolving to the place widows of greater maturity seem to have found. Maybe I am searching for something that can only come from time and from me. I just don't even know anything, with any certainty anymore. Remember when we knew what was going to happen, and the choices you made were your own; you choose what you would make of your future....I always held that power....But when it is stripped from you, you see at first your primary loss, and then the dominoes fall.....All you know and who you are loses all certainty. Perhaps the knowledge that the life of my children has not even begun; and they have not yet realized the extent of their discarded future, has locked me in this state of perpetual fear. Sometimes I can remove myself so far from reality, I can feel the joy of life again, but when I am alone I know I am far from okay. I just can't see the end.........

Taking time to think about him

It's hard to allow myself to stop, and take the moment to remember my Husband. When I do, it can be so easy to fall into despair. Just thinking about what an amazing time we had in his last weeks makes me feel his loss so much more. I don't want to push him aside, and go about my day, pretending I'm accepting him being gone. But, I also can't function if I allow memories to stay in the forefront of daily life. He was such a private, strong, dedicated husband. He was the type who didn't want to talk all the time, which often left me angry and frustrated. However in his last weeks he opened himself to everyone. It was such an incredible gift to leave us with. He gave me such love, and wanted me in his every moment. He was this new and beautiful person, giving me emotions that I had always needed from him. We took our kids out of school, bought a motor home, and traveled to California to visit in his favorite destinations; Disneyland, Sea World and The San Diego Zoo. Then headed to AZ, and beyond. We camped wherever we landed. He made sure that he visited each of his 10 sisters, and left them with his love, hopes, and blessings for their futures. On Tuesday he began to lose himself, and I saw the end of our life creeping up way too fast. I just wanted the summer. His best friend flew to AZ, and drove us home, nonstop, with no sleep. He was barely there, I was losing my husband. We arrived home midnight on Wednesday, and he was gone Saturday morning, surrounded by his children, Father and sisters. We gave him love, and released from this world, letting him know he could go. The hardest part was when my 8 year old daughter gave him her acceptance to leave us. She had been begging him to wake up and see her one more time. He gave everything he had to us on our trip, and told me it was the best time he had had in his life. I was so lucky to have those last memories and his complete Love. He was so strong.

Self reflections

The hardest part about sharing is realizing that you are the same as the people you share your grief with. We come to this space to find our similar ground, and know we are not alone, however in this respect, I feel like I should not make issue with my turmoil, because I know my loss is no more painful than yours. I just feel like I have chosen to disregard rational thought since he has left, and allowed weakness to determine the choices I make.I rarely allow his memory to be with me. I will spend days where I will push aside any thought of him. I hate it when others try to talk about him, as though they knew him. If this is an effort to make me feel good, it only makes me push them away. I don't expect them to cure me, fix me or identify with the place and person my change has created. I have always been the leader in my family, now... I have lost that and I don't care. I feel like I need to be true to where I am, but in the eyes of family....I have loss standing. And I don't care. I have lost any joy in imagining my future. I care to only do the least that can be done. What people think of me means nothing. I feel like its good on one had to accept myself, but it also troubles me how much I have changed. I really owe no one anything.....besides my kids, and for them I can only do the best I can. Am I in need of serious help, or is this just a step in our process? He has been gone 10 1/2 months. I try to leave this fact somewhere else.

My perspective of a friend

I respect our uniqueness, but rejoice when I see a perfect union. To witness true souls find love and whole heartedly give their trust and future to each other, with transparent acceptance, demonstrates how we too can let go of the search for "MORE". Love inspires others to risk their heart and believe in all possibilities; in respect to life, love, family and positive actions for our future. I love that you found your other half. So many souls will search in vain and never be where you are. You are Whole. I admire you.

Validation to offset regrets

You are good, you make mistakes, but the beauty is you get to learn from them, and just accept yourself as imperfect, yet still perfect for your imperfections. You have not gotten to the point where you will selfishly or constantly choose yourself over a friend or over what is the best for your family. So you fell down, well pick yourself up! You will only make it a problem if you let it take over your strength and cause you to loose your power; because your power is what will keep you in check. You will never be anything but good; you will always be pure in your heart. Why would you doubt yourself so much? Just start today new.....I have absolute trust in true friendship...that means you owe no explanation and need make no amends. I don't believe friends should need to reassure each other of their friendship, or need to defend actions committed with no ill intent. True friends will trust, accept, and reject all judgment.

Isolation and changes

I don't have many acquaintances outside of my enormous family and lifelong friends. I am a stay at home mom, so it is rare I get to meet new people, so I have not yet felt the entire scope of reactions you get as a widow. Sometimes I tell people because I feel like it is the way I explain myself, as if that is what defines who I am. In truth, at this time it does seem to define me...just because I know that I have developed a new outlook on life, and in the relationships I make. I use to care about everything...things would effect me, and I would react. Now, I don't care. Is this really bad? I actually like the fact that I am not bothered by anything, anyone, or any situation. To my friends; partly in humor, but truthfully in fact, I have coined a new phrase/mantra- Don't Ask, Don't Care, Don't tell. My friends say they miss the old feisty part of me... But it feels so much better to remain unaffected by life. No one knows how it feels to have your entire future demolished, to know your children will never have all that life and God intended for them. I have lost have of my identity; because as you know when you commit yourself to marriage, you promise to join your lives... you become one. How can you stay the same? How can they think you will "bounce back"? It's insulting and demeaning. I will not waste my energy trying to defend why I lay in bed most of the day, or why I won't answer my phone for days at a time. To infer this is my choice to be altered, only makes me distance myself further. I believe in myself and refuse to let others instruct me how to be happy, especially when their opinions come from pure speculation on a loss that they can never understand. Sorry...I guess I do still have feelings, but these are the ones I will not voice.

Continuing to reflect

I know as widows we are all alike, so to us we become the norm. I guess that is good for me, it makes it easier to speak of the loss, and change that is me. I have so many different emotions conflicting in me...I don't want sympathy, but to an outsider...I believe I sure as hell deserve it..., We all have horrid stories of our loss and mine is no less painful. I am a young widow, married to my husband at 21, and losing him at 34. We have 2 children he adored. He was stolen from them, and that is a pain I will never overcome. Our Doctor insisted he come in for his test on Christmas Eve... I had no idea there was the slightest possibility of an illness. My love always shielded me from situations he thought would cause me stress. I pleaded to our doctors to let me reschedule his appointment for a better time; we had plans out of town for the holidays. They insisted he needed to be there, so I reluctantly gave in. Having his appointment scheduled for Christmas Eve was hard to justify..... I understand the obligation to set priorities in respect to health concerns; however you would think that with my begging they would have let the appointment slide for a few days. I remember the most irrelevant of details. My 5 year old daughter played with a purple plastic glove, while I held my one month old son in my arms listening as the pleasant and detached Doctor told me my husband had incurable cancer. I hurt so deeply, and feel his absence in every moment. I fear the singleness, the loss of my future and that of my children. In my process I have also discovered a new strength and acceptance in my life I never had. I have discovered contentment and security in myself. My feelings are so muddled... I have changed, but is it for the better... I have made many mistakes on my way.

What happens now?

I have changed so much since I lost my husband, and I wondered how many of us have felt these obvious changes to our personality. I use to react much more to situations, and have more involvement in life all around me. I always surrounded myself with family and friends, and if there was an event, I was there. Now stay home 90% of the time. I rarely answer the phone...I have nothing to say or give. Peoples look at me with disappointment that I have allowed my self to morph into this sad, empty, and selfish person. My parents are the most difficult...they want to know when I plan to get up and enjoy the day. They constantly ask me to come over, and set themselves up to be disappointed by my refusals. My dad is a religious man, so he has his opinions of what needs to be done to become a "normal me" again. His ideas give me no pause to stop and think, "Oh, ya...that's all it will take, Jeez, Your right!" instead it makes me want to avoid them. My Mom will say...”let's go out..." when she sees this is not going to happen, she'll end it with a GUILT comment "We use to have fun, you know".... I know I am different, but this is me right now, and I can't force myself to be someone else, and I won't. I will try to be the best I can be for me, my kids, and my family...but I won't let other people make me feel ashamed of myself. The only way I cope now is just making sure I distance myself from the intense loss and loneliness inside me. I am trying to focus on who I am now as a single entity, and embrace the strengths I am finding in myself. In truth, I like me...not the recluse part, but the part that is more accepting, less judgmental, and really cares only about being accountable for me and my actions. I no longer care what others think, or would say about me. I am me.

Information I found regarding The Process I am going thru

The physical and emotional exhaustion of phase two often leads people into phasethree: “Retreat”. The restlessness, desire to stay busy, and the anger and frustration willturn to the desire to be alone, to rest, and to contemplate and reorganize. This phase ismost commonly characterized by withdrawal, despair, decreased social support, andfeeling helpless or hopeless. Physical symptoms consist of an increased need for sleep,fatigue, weakness, and a lowered immune system. The body needs to slow down andconserve all the energy that was exerted in phase two. By the time phase three is reachedthe bereaved is near exhaustion. Sleep is an adaptive response to the insomnia of phasetwo and individuals in phase three may find themselves sleeping a lot. Bereavedindividuals may fear they are depressed as they’ve heard that excessive sleep is a sign ofdepression. However, in this case, it is most likely a restorative response of the body.This phase finds individuals wanting to retreat and be alone as feelings of utter despair ofthe realization that the deceased is never coming back begin to sink in. Quiet time ofreflection is often important to people in this stage. Social support tends to decrease atthis time as most friends and family have gone back to their daily lives, and loved onesexpect the bereaved to be getting on with their lives.9Psychological aspects of phase three include feelings of regressing, preoccupationwith the deceased, discarding old goals and a glimmer of knowledge that life may still beworthwhile. Phase three is typically the longest and most difficult phase. Realization hasdawned that every aspect of life has changed, and the bereaved may feel as if the purposeof one’s life is lost forever. This is an important time for the bereaved to review his or herpast life and assess how life will be handled in the future. New patterns must be formedand all of this will take time and reflection. At the completion of phase three a firstglimmer of hope can be identified and feelings of hopelessness will subside.“Loss of a spouse isone of the most serious threats to health, well-being, and productivity that most peopleencounter during their lives”Give yourself time. It typically takes 1 to 5 years to go through all 5 tasks — and even longer if the spouse's death was unexpected or traumatic, LoCicero says.Honor your feelings, mentally and physically. Especially early on in your bereavement, "a lot of people think they should grieve this way or they should resume a particular activity at a certain time," Noel says. "It's unique to each individual. Put aside your expectations of what you think grief should look like and follow your feelingsAmerica has been called the land of "fast-food grief". We are somehow expected to get over a major loss in a few days, or weeks at the most. Other cultures do not expect this of people. They realize that we all need much more time to heal. Most of the time, it takes about two years to become fully functional after such a significant loss.

My Thoughts

With the passing of my husband last May, I was left with indescribable loss, more than I could ever imagine. We knew our time together was going to end, so in a way were dealing with the grief that would come; it was painful and heartbreaking. I could not begin to understand how much more pain would come with his actual passing. Losing not only your future, but that of your children. They lose a gift that they will never have the chance to know. How will the void change them? I can never know, because I had my father, but to just speculate, my god...what a devastating loss. I knew that just one half of me would be there to support and guide our children; compiled with the grief and loss, it is more than I ever would have imagined. The profound loss of a husband, my children’s Father, and friend seemed to be more than I could bear; however just now I seem to be emerging from this self imposed emptiness’ I have exiled myself into. I can make it beyond this trial, however it creates a most difficult adjustment is the judgments, opinions, and are my friends and family, who can't seem to accept the my new self, and the new person I have discover, become. But the most amazing part of it all is how I have discovered a new perspective; a new strength; and a certain awareness of my reality. I will never be the same, I have lost half of me, however in a last gift, he was able to leave me contentment and security I never knew was inside of me. I have grown. I have felt strength.

As it is now...

My husband and I decided he needed to stop working on November 1st of 2007, and do what we could to enjoy what time we had left. We had never wanted to hear a time limit, however inadvertently I received a possible time frame when I asked our doctor his opinion on having more children. Of course I didn’t real want to believe my husband could ever really be gone, and we didn't want to live our lives with this impending doom dictating our future. My husband would continue to make plans as far in the future as he ever had. Our doctor asked my why I would bring children into a world where they would only have a father for 5 years at the most. I finally got an answer to a question I never wanted. I never told him, and if he ever had a timeline he never told me...I think we both wanted to protect the other from what we already both knew. By this time my love had been living with cancer for almost 3 years, and working constantly, 80hrs a week. I was excited to have him home to spend all of his energy with me and the kids. We decided to mortgage our home, take our equity and spend our time in a perpetual vacation. It was amazing to have him home for the first time in 12 years of marriage, and although I have heard horror stories of retired couples going mad once they have 24/7 with each other, we were able to easily adapt to our new situation. For the first time since we've had children, we took a vacation without them. He was a different person, maybe because of the free time he discovered, and in part because of the treatment, and medicines he was taking. We found way to enjoy the new aspect life presented him, and found humor in some of the odder quirks. We did things together we had never done, and communicated better than we ever had. To see him be able to give up on all his perceived notions of men bringing home the bacon, and instead just relax, had a profound effect on our family.