Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The pain and loss of losing your spouse is the worst thing I have ever felt. It has irrevocable damaged me and changed me.
This is a pain I would never wish on another soul.But in great irony and misfortune, it happened again. This time to my sister. She is my best friend and my twin... (Not in fact; however we have always been told we are identical and have always felt this way).
Her husband passed last week. She too has two small children, the same age as mine. Blake was not just a Brother in Law, but a Brother in every sense of the word beyond blood. I have known him for 20 years... he grew up with us, and he and my sister fell in love in their youth.
I wanted to share the feelings I wrote down when I heard of his death.
-I sat down the other night and I tried to think of the most amazing time Blake and I had ever had together. I couldn't think of one that surpassed any other. When I think of my times with him; I see most of our recent moments.
And in each of those I find it difficult to state the actual commentary said, because with Blake it somehow seemed to be the emotions you shared that you walked away with, not necessarily the words that were said.
We came up with many Blakeism based on his reactions and resolutions to situations. The one I used the most; and the one I found most irritating was his ability to look in your eyes and admit his errors and say he planned to do better and to be better. You always believed him.
How amazing would it be if what we learned from Blake was his ability to listen to someone lecture us with their opinions, and see only love thru the words… and see hope in their efforts, and hope to grow from their advice.
I have recently walked a road I never wanted to take, and in so have learned a lot about defeat, shame, despair, weakness, solitude, but most importantly and lastly; I saw my value. On the day of his passing it pained me to hold in the utter grief and sadness I felt, especially when I joined our Family.
I wanted to wail out loud and fall to my knees in sorrow. It made me long for the times we have read about when you covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and mourned in the street. He deserved all the sincerity of the anguish I felt.There was a moment that day that I sat down and just cried and vented. I sat with a friend and shared my loss and anger. I wailed and swore; I found my rage and my sadness…..; still nothing was enough to relieve the feeling that encompassed me. But in the following conversation I was able to have a Moment of peace and clarity. It was When I screamed out "I can't believe he did this!!!". My friend said to me "I know, I always thought he would come out of it for his kids". It was in this moment I felt like I understood Blake the most.However our ailments may differ, I know how it feels to be in his shoes. I can see the steps it takes to get to where you are; albeit, many stronger can choose differently. You wake up each day and see what you have in store for you. You have learned long ago not to fool yourself, so you say… OK, today I know I cannot make a change, and today I know nothing will be different, but God, Dear God, please give me something tomorrow; some strength, some difference, some person, some divine power that makes tomorrow different. When my friend said he thought the kids would be enough, I knew that Blake did too… just not today; but he always knew he had tomorrow to make it better… he always had tomorrow. He never gave up on his tomorrow. But his tomorrow never came.I love you so much Blake. You were my little brother, and my friend. My Blakob, and My Jacob.
This is a pain I would never wish on another soul.But in great irony and misfortune, it happened again. This time to my sister. She is my best friend and my twin... (Not in fact; however we have always been told we are identical and have always felt this way).
Her husband passed last week. She too has two small children, the same age as mine. Blake was not just a Brother in Law, but a Brother in every sense of the word beyond blood. I have known him for 20 years... he grew up with us, and he and my sister fell in love in their youth.
I wanted to share the feelings I wrote down when I heard of his death.
-I sat down the other night and I tried to think of the most amazing time Blake and I had ever had together. I couldn't think of one that surpassed any other. When I think of my times with him; I see most of our recent moments.
And in each of those I find it difficult to state the actual commentary said, because with Blake it somehow seemed to be the emotions you shared that you walked away with, not necessarily the words that were said.
We came up with many Blakeism based on his reactions and resolutions to situations. The one I used the most; and the one I found most irritating was his ability to look in your eyes and admit his errors and say he planned to do better and to be better. You always believed him.
How amazing would it be if what we learned from Blake was his ability to listen to someone lecture us with their opinions, and see only love thru the words… and see hope in their efforts, and hope to grow from their advice.
I have recently walked a road I never wanted to take, and in so have learned a lot about defeat, shame, despair, weakness, solitude, but most importantly and lastly; I saw my value. On the day of his passing it pained me to hold in the utter grief and sadness I felt, especially when I joined our Family.
I wanted to wail out loud and fall to my knees in sorrow. It made me long for the times we have read about when you covered yourself in sackcloth and ashes and mourned in the street. He deserved all the sincerity of the anguish I felt.There was a moment that day that I sat down and just cried and vented. I sat with a friend and shared my loss and anger. I wailed and swore; I found my rage and my sadness…..; still nothing was enough to relieve the feeling that encompassed me. But in the following conversation I was able to have a Moment of peace and clarity. It was When I screamed out "I can't believe he did this!!!". My friend said to me "I know, I always thought he would come out of it for his kids". It was in this moment I felt like I understood Blake the most.However our ailments may differ, I know how it feels to be in his shoes. I can see the steps it takes to get to where you are; albeit, many stronger can choose differently. You wake up each day and see what you have in store for you. You have learned long ago not to fool yourself, so you say… OK, today I know I cannot make a change, and today I know nothing will be different, but God, Dear God, please give me something tomorrow; some strength, some difference, some person, some divine power that makes tomorrow different. When my friend said he thought the kids would be enough, I knew that Blake did too… just not today; but he always knew he had tomorrow to make it better… he always had tomorrow. He never gave up on his tomorrow. But his tomorrow never came.I love you so much Blake. You were my little brother, and my friend. My Blakob, and My Jacob.
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