We did it.
It was so clear once I looked. We honored him true to his spirit. He loved the water and loved boating. He would spend hours on our dock nature watching, and often had slumber parties with the kids in the boat. I have not been on the dock or boat since he passed, so it was important to let go of this avoidance. The kids and I went on the boat and lit candles. We made a paper boat each, and filled them with flowers and a candle. Audrey put each one in the water, and Henry dropped flowers in around them. We watched till they were out of sight, and then went down to the park to see them pass by again. It was perfect.
He is with me. I end this day with peace.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
One Year Today.............
Today is one Year.
I had planned to take my 9 year old daughter out to the cemetery to pay our respects. However the thought has weighed on me, and I wonder if is a necessary choice. Why do I need to remind her that our loss has a date? Is it so important that she know when she lost her father? Is it better to leave well enough alone, and for her to just know he is not with us, and feel him around her in spirit?I have already made the decision not to take my 4 year old son with us. I can't imagine he could benefit from discovering that his Father is not just “out there”, but instead hearing that he is in the ground beneath us? He knows about Heaven, and this is still a location he can visualize, not a physical finality. My girlfriend brought up her Grandmothers passing, and subsequent cremation, saying she wished she had a place to go where she could grieve; this is in reference to my husband being in a cemetery. The conversation made me confront my issues with going to his gravesite.I do not receive solace from being there. It does not necessary bring me closer. It is not him. The real result of being there forces me to face the harsh reality that his body is beneath me, and destroyed by the elements of death. Why would I feel good about being at a place that holds no semblance of his person? It kills me to accept the truth of what is below me. It almost angers me that it is assumed this is where I would gain the largest source of comfort and closeness. He is not there! He is in the bed next to me. He is in the family room watching TV. He is with me as I pass all the places we went together. He is with me in thought as I get out of the shower, and dampen the rug; something that would drive him nuts. He is felt when I grocery shop, and pass by the items that I always had to include for him. His presence is with me more as I go on with my daily life; not this random plot of land, never visited by the two of us! This place means nothing! He is not the body incased below me! I hate timelines! Why do I need to commemorate his death? I hurt so deeply in this moment. I hate the perception that today is a day that I would feel more pain than that which is with me always.
……………………………My Love.
I think that maybe to honor him, perhaps we should all go to a place that we experienced Family, and laughter. That is where he is.
I had planned to take my 9 year old daughter out to the cemetery to pay our respects. However the thought has weighed on me, and I wonder if is a necessary choice. Why do I need to remind her that our loss has a date? Is it so important that she know when she lost her father? Is it better to leave well enough alone, and for her to just know he is not with us, and feel him around her in spirit?I have already made the decision not to take my 4 year old son with us. I can't imagine he could benefit from discovering that his Father is not just “out there”, but instead hearing that he is in the ground beneath us? He knows about Heaven, and this is still a location he can visualize, not a physical finality. My girlfriend brought up her Grandmothers passing, and subsequent cremation, saying she wished she had a place to go where she could grieve; this is in reference to my husband being in a cemetery. The conversation made me confront my issues with going to his gravesite.I do not receive solace from being there. It does not necessary bring me closer. It is not him. The real result of being there forces me to face the harsh reality that his body is beneath me, and destroyed by the elements of death. Why would I feel good about being at a place that holds no semblance of his person? It kills me to accept the truth of what is below me. It almost angers me that it is assumed this is where I would gain the largest source of comfort and closeness. He is not there! He is in the bed next to me. He is in the family room watching TV. He is with me as I pass all the places we went together. He is with me in thought as I get out of the shower, and dampen the rug; something that would drive him nuts. He is felt when I grocery shop, and pass by the items that I always had to include for him. His presence is with me more as I go on with my daily life; not this random plot of land, never visited by the two of us! This place means nothing! He is not the body incased below me! I hate timelines! Why do I need to commemorate his death? I hurt so deeply in this moment. I hate the perception that today is a day that I would feel more pain than that which is with me always.
……………………………My Love.
I think that maybe to honor him, perhaps we should all go to a place that we experienced Family, and laughter. That is where he is.
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