It's been almost 20 months now. May 12, 2007. At first I felt nothing in regards to attraction to other men; and then one day I did. I'm not sure how it happened. But when it did it wasn't because I felt I was surrounded by my peers and looking for depth, it was because I saw how I had an advantage over men who were attracted to me, allowing me the luxury of indifference. I didn't mean for this to awaken a change in me, but I realized that for the first time in my life I didn't care what anyone thought of me, and that I could be in control void of concern or perceptions. But what I felt has not been healthy.
I refuse to care for any man or treat them with respect. I'm losing it! I select situations where I won't care and refuse to participate in any relationship where I am required to give my heart. In selective insights I can see how I am looking to punish all men for my devastation. I need them to know that I will never love again; and to know they will never measure up to my husband. I am not shy about stating my expectations.
I begin each relationship with unnecessary statements that protect me and prepare me for the emptiness that follows that I expect and seek. I want everyone to know that I am empty and care for nothing. I refuse to allow anyone to replace him. Do I need to? Can I just be alone? Where do I go from here? Is this going to come back and hurt me when I wake up… or is this just who I am?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
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1 comment:
We grieve the best way we can, and the aloneness is such a deep, dark, pervasive hole, that I understand what you are saying about dating. When I first started dating, it was way too early for me, but I was so incredibly, devastatingly alone, I thought if I could just find someone, get into a relationship, that would fill the hole. I attracted emotionally unavailable men, and the one who were ready for a relationship, I pushed away.
What I found helped after a time, was I go out on a date or dinner, etc., no expectations, no putting myself through the wringer of emotion. Just view it as a social fun outing, with nothing attached to any outcome.
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