Text to jason

Jan 22

In our relationship I certainly have my flaws and I know them when you bring it to my attention. I am not only grateful that we are close enough for you to tell me, but that I can recognize them and see that it is something that needs to be changed in me.  However I cannot take you criticizing my parenting over and over and over and over. That is not anything I have ever asked your advice on. I have never gotten involved in your parenting. And I am so tired of you thinking you have a right to tell me what to do. For 16 years I have basically been doing this on my own. Have you? How do you even know what this is like if you haven't been in my shoes. I have never tried to disparage you on everything you do and it hits me to the core that you do that to me. I know my flaws and failures and I try to deal with them but the way I have works for me and it's the easiest thing for me as a single parent who raises my kids by myself 24 hours a day seven days a week.  It is not perfect and it is wrong in so many ways but I don't need you to come in and make me feel worse about it. When I am with you I try to leave all that behind us and devote myself entirely to making you happy and taking care of you and I feel like I do a damn good job of that. Can't you just respect me and appreciate me for how much I love and care about you instead of trying to find all the things that are wrong with me? I treat you like you're my King and adore you. Can't you let that be enough?

Feb 4th

If you look at my first text to you today it said how I couldn't wait to see you. I meant that. Then when you get here, you can't even spare 5 mins to hug, kiss, or cuddle me. I have always told you I needed affection. I was in a relationship for too many years without that and I won't do that again. You may think  I'm being unrealistic with my needs, but this is how it starts. I've seen the beginning and seen it's end. I'm seeing the start of an emotional disconnect and it pains me. I want to be with a man who wants to give me 5 mins of his busy day, even when he is exhausted and tired because he loves me and kissing me is the highlight of his day. I feel like I am clear in my communication so you can't say I haven't told you, so that leaves only one answer; you just don't want to..... Or worse, don't want me. That kills me. I just want you to know how you made me feel so you understand..... Maybe. You needn't respond.  

Feb 12, 2015

So I realized a couple things tonight that actually did make me want to journal. One part and certainly not the first that I realized is how you make me feel when you call me out on my failures or shortcomings. The thing is; is that I know what my failures are and I hate myself and get on myself for them. However I have developed this persona of someone who is strong and never needs help so when somebody actually calls me out and point out things that I know, it's very hard for me to graciously accept criticism. I have made myself into being someone who never asks for help or appears weak so that I can always be the strong one and support everyone else. This has actually made me very lonely.  What I have been searching for is someone that allows me to be weak and sees me for all I am, the strong and the weak. I just didn't know how hard it would be to actually find you and to accept your insight and constructive criticism. This is a first for me. Never have I actually cared how someone thought of me.  That was really hard. At the same time when you did, it made me see something amazing in you that I have been searching for. It took a while for me to realize that I love you, but knowing that is an amazing feeling and in my heart of hearts I know that it's true. However loving you and being in love with you, to me are two different things. Loving you is the easy part but that certainly does not by any means make us a certainty. How you spoke to me the other day, however hurtful, was mended by the words you said the next morning to me. You knew the importance of a conversation and in doing so confirmed your love and commitment for me.  I saw the strength in you that I have been searching for and have needed. I saw something in you I hadn't seen before and I realized for the first time that I really could be "in" love with you. I need to be in love with you to really make us work. I wasn't sure that was a possibility weeks ago but I saw the strength in our future and I believe in us. I want more than anything a chance to be happy in my life. I actually didn't think that was possible. I now see that it is and I want to fight for that. I need an actual partner and someone that I am equal with and is there for me as much as I am there for them. I saw that strength in you and I now know that you have the person in you that I have been searching for my whole life. Will you fight for us? Everything you said was true, we need to change and put our lives in order. I can do that with you. I've been so alone and empty for so long.  I haven't wanted to create happiness or beauty or love around me. I've just wanted to exist. I quit putting effort into making my life better or even good. All I did was make it manageable without joy. The only feelings I ever had were when I was making someone else happy so that's how I allowed myself to be used. I could at least feel something thru others. This is the real me. And I need the real you. The good and the bad, however ever that comes as long as you can live with who you are and be proud. That's the man I know you are. And you do make me a better person. 

11/25/15

What I get frustrated about is how you ask and expect me to be someone and do what you expect me to do. That role of a wife that does what a wife "does". You may have a leg to stand on if your were the breadwinner. But your not. If anyone should expect something it's me. And I don't ever tell you to get your chores done. You do take care of some household chores but that is just maintaining the home you live in. I don't need to be wildly appreciative that you contribute. I pay all the bills. If you want to start playing that role you need to realize your the one who should be doing the "wife" duties. But I never ask that of you. You have brought up this situation and you have no leg to stand on.