Self reflections

The hardest part about sharing is realizing that you are the same as the people you share your grief with. We come to this space to find our similar ground, and know we are not alone, however in this respect, I feel like I should not make issue with my turmoil, because I know my loss is no more painful than yours. I just feel like I have chosen to disregard rational thought since he has left, and allowed weakness to determine the choices I make.I rarely allow his memory to be with me. I will spend days where I will push aside any thought of him. I hate it when others try to talk about him, as though they knew him. If this is an effort to make me feel good, it only makes me push them away. I don't expect them to cure me, fix me or identify with the place and person my change has created. I have always been the leader in my family, now... I have lost that and I don't care. I feel like I need to be true to where I am, but in the eyes of family....I have loss standing. And I don't care. I have lost any joy in imagining my future. I care to only do the least that can be done. What people think of me means nothing. I feel like its good on one had to accept myself, but it also troubles me how much I have changed. I really owe no one anything.....besides my kids, and for them I can only do the best I can. Am I in need of serious help, or is this just a step in our process? He has been gone 10 1/2 months. I try to leave this fact somewhere else.