Continuing to reflect

I know as widows we are all alike, so to us we become the norm. I guess that is good for me, it makes it easier to speak of the loss, and change that is me. I have so many different emotions conflicting in me...I don't want sympathy, but to an outsider...I believe I sure as hell deserve it..., We all have horrid stories of our loss and mine is no less painful. I am a young widow, married to my husband at 21, and losing him at 34. We have 2 children he adored. He was stolen from them, and that is a pain I will never overcome. Our Doctor insisted he come in for his test on Christmas Eve... I had no idea there was the slightest possibility of an illness. My love always shielded me from situations he thought would cause me stress. I pleaded to our doctors to let me reschedule his appointment for a better time; we had plans out of town for the holidays. They insisted he needed to be there, so I reluctantly gave in. Having his appointment scheduled for Christmas Eve was hard to justify..... I understand the obligation to set priorities in respect to health concerns; however you would think that with my begging they would have let the appointment slide for a few days. I remember the most irrelevant of details. My 5 year old daughter played with a purple plastic glove, while I held my one month old son in my arms listening as the pleasant and detached Doctor told me my husband had incurable cancer. I hurt so deeply, and feel his absence in every moment. I fear the singleness, the loss of my future and that of my children. In my process I have also discovered a new strength and acceptance in my life I never had. I have discovered contentment and security in myself. My feelings are so muddled... I have changed, but is it for the better... I have made many mistakes on my way.