I don't know where to go

I don't quite know where I go. I have tried to find solace and still find myself alone. It may seem intentional to some, however I am in search of the catalyst that propels me to the place where I begin to truly heal. Is it because I only write when I feel totally alone, or because I am not involved in the day to day pleasantries I read, or does my age hinder me from evolving to the place widows of greater maturity seem to have found. Maybe I am searching for something that can only come from time and from me. I just don't even know anything, with any certainty anymore. Remember when we knew what was going to happen, and the choices you made were your own; you choose what you would make of your future....I always held that power....But when it is stripped from you, you see at first your primary loss, and then the dominoes fall.....All you know and who you are loses all certainty. Perhaps the knowledge that the life of my children has not even begun; and they have not yet realized the extent of their discarded future, has locked me in this state of perpetual fear. Sometimes I can remove myself so far from reality, I can feel the joy of life again, but when I am alone I know I am far from okay. I just can't see the end.........